5 – Random Friend Requests: Yes, I’m fully aware that in today’s mythical age of technological marvel and wonder, one’s status in society is measured by how many Facebook friends you have. But honestly, does this mean that you really need to go about friending all your friends friends friends? I think not. I can’t think of a day that goes by without getting a friend request from random person in Doobetyville for no reason other than them being afflicted with spastic click-itis. Honestly, people, if you have seven thousand facebook friends, I KNOW you don’t know all of em. Jeesh.

4 – Utterly Pointless Facebook Groups: Yet another mighty annoyance. People, do we really need Facebook groups for ‘I Like Eating Pickles with Cheddar Cheese in My Underwear’? I think not. I don’t know about you, but bonding with other people over ‘We Love Paris Hilton Forever’ just ain’t my particular cup of Facebook tea.

3 – Idiotic Applications: This one needs no introduction. Each morning, as I rise to greet a new glorious day, my Facebook feed screams at me, beckoning me, nay, insisting that I absolutely must check out my dear friend’s pig farm, mafia group or newly discovered whosawhatsimacallit. I hate to break it to you, Facebookers, but I truly don’t care that you’ve just discovered gold or held up three banks or crowned the new Don of New York City.

2 – Like? Dislike!: Okay, so we’re all familiar with Facebook’s nauseously cheerful ‘Like’ feature. The ability to like all your friends’ drunken photos, random wall postings and such is just to tempting to pass up. But hey, fair is fair, if I don’t like what you post (a very frequent occurence, I might add), shouldn’t I have the ability to give you a big fat Facebook thumbs down? Mmm hmm.

1 – The Poke: I swear to god and by everything that is spicy, if you poke me one more time….What is it with all the Facebook poking? Jesus, I’m sore already. Facebook seriously needs to give me the option to ‘Kick’ back – For self defense!

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Facebook, Featured, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social, Technology

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

• Do Not speed up. Duh.

• Do Not slow down.

• Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.

• Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

Tags: Annoying people, Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Irritating people, Littering, Multitasking Drivers

• 5 – The Dreaded Red ! – I’m sure most of you are familiar with one of the most annoying features in our email programs; the dastardly red little exclamation points which indicate that the email is of the utmost important, is an excruciating matter of cubicle life and death and absotively, posilutely just cannot wait another second. Yep, I hate it too. And as if that wasn’t horrific enough, how about those annoying coworkers of yours who just have to send it with every freaking email? You’d think replacing the air freshener in the bathroom was a matter of national security (well, I’ll give ya that one, sometimes it is). It’s enough to drive one batty (-er).
  
• 4 – The Miltons – Who remembers Milton from Office Space? Miltons are those quirky annoying coworkers of ours who huddle behind their desks, feverishly protecting their beloved post-it notes and staplers. And if you should be the unfortunate soul who borrows the aforementioned stapler, may god and buddha protect you, because the Miltons will burn the blessed building down to find it (and you) and wreak terrifying office vengeance upon your wretched self. They’re pretty easy to spot as they’re usually the ones who meticulously label each and every one of their office supplies with their name in giant bold letters. Anyone else out there know any Miltons?

• 3 – The Snitch – This one’s an annoying character with particularly turd-like tendencies. These people are under the semi-amusing notion that snitching to their superiors on every little thing will somehow help their career. Um. Newsflash. Wrong. Guess what? The people they’re snitching on hate em, the people they’re snitching to secretly hate em – Even the stolen office post-it notes hate em. No one likes a snitch. Sleep with da cubicle fishes. Fuhgeddaboutit.

• 2 - The Rude Grump – Ah, yes, one of my favorites (gag). These are the highly annoying creatures that walk around with a perpetual frown, never say please or thank you, throw a hissy fit when they run out of cornflakes and just generally thrive on discombobulating everyone around them. I always make sure and ask them two questions: 1 – “…and who peed in your coffee today?”, and 2 – “And why the bloody hell did you drink it?”. Enough said, methinks.

• 1 – The Creep – Unfortunately, we’ve all got to deal with these ninnies, both in our workplace and in our personal lives. These are the guys (or girls) who randomly stare at you and grin for no reason. Slowly. They’ll saunter up behind you at your desk, stealing glances at your computer screen and drawl in that creepy voice of theirs: “Sooooo….you’re on facebook, huh?……Nice.” Makes me wanna fling a stapler in their general direction. THUD. Ah, that feels better.

I’m sure I’ve left some of these funky creepazoids out, so as always, please feel free to add your own questions, comments or catcalls.

Tags: Annoying Coworkers, Annoying people, Etiquette, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social

But you want to eat garlic. It’s healthy. Keeps the blood flowin’, right? First of all, take responsibility for the fact that you’re causing mass garlic hysteria. True story. Accept it. Second, do something about it. Your simplest option would be to stay away from the gagful stuff, but I know you’re not gonna do that – It’s too precious, yes? Well, you’ve still got options, my garlic-infused friends. Eat your garlic, then brush your teeth! Simple, right? If you’re on the go, take one of those mini breath fresheners or a Tic Tac! You’ll save yourself both a load of embarrassment and prevent me from duct taping your lips shut. We all win.

Anyone else out there have horrifying encounters with those of the garlic kind? Do be a dear and share.

Tags: Annoying people, Bad breath, Environment, Etiquette, Garlic breath, Humor, Irritating people, Social

It seems as though one of the things technology has swiftly replaced is our ability to communicate properly (see Man Vs Machine Part 1 and Part 2), and now it seems it has almost successfully reduced the English language into a pile of vowelish rubble. Internet acronyms are widely used to convey emotions and regularly-used social phrases. Sure, it’s innocent enough in concept, but it’s gone way too far. You can’t visit a chat room, text someone, or get an email that doesn’t feature several lols or wtfs. Unfrickinbelievable.

So in my never-ending quest for truth and justice, I endeavored to do something revolutionary. Yes, I wrote an entire paragraph consisting entirely of internet acronyms attempting to see if they can possibly replace our everyday words. Is this what our once-magnificent language has been reduced to? Out of the utter and sheer goodness of my New York heart, I’ve even included punctuation to make it easier to read. Something tells me that won’t help, though.

Acronym: LMFAO! IAC, ICUR IBC. IITYWTMWYKM? JK! BAIK. HHO1/2K! TM, TTBOMK, YSS. SHM! BTW, CSY. DUCWIM?

Translation: Laughing my f*cking ass off! In any case, I see you are inadequate but cute. If I tell you what this means, will you kiss me? Just kidding! Boy, am I confused. Ha ha, only half kidding! Trust me, to the best of my knowledge, you suck severely. Sh*t happens, man! By the way, can’t stop yawning. Do you see what I mean?

This is truly a tragic day, my friends, because this is what our magnificent language has been reduced to. And, yes, these are examples of real-life internet acronyms that are used every day (see here). Anyone else sick of lols replacing the language we once knew and loved? As always, any comments, catcalls and booyas in my general direction are muchly appreciated.

Tags: Annoying people, Education, Etiquette, Internet acronyms, Irritating people, People, Social, Social Interaction, Technology, Texting

Cash machines are supposed to make life at the bank easier – They are not supposed to incite homicidal rages at the ATM machine. So, why on god’s green beloved earth do people take so unbelievably long while withdrawing money? We’ve all experienced this, sadly.

You’ve got the guy who withdraws his cash from the machine and then proceeds to painstakingly count his money, bill by bill, until he’s satisfied. First of all, genius, ATM machines don’t make math mistakes. Second, if by some stroke of rotten luck, it shorted you by a few dollars, are you going to knock on the bright green ATM screen and speak to it? Dude. Think. Move over to the side and count your money there. Jeez.

Or how about the spaced-out girl who counts her cash slowly, checks her account number, fills out a deposit form and recounts her cash again before depositing it slowwwwwwly in the aforementioned cash machine while you’re slowly losing your mind. Is it so very difficult for you to prepare your deposit beforehand? I think not.

Anyone else have maddening ATM experiences? As always, I’d love to hear all comments and snorts aimed in my general direction.

Tags: Annoying people, ATM machines, Etiquette, Irritating people, Technology

• 5 – People who hit other shoppers (and various other objects) with their shopping carts: So, apparently, supermarkets now need to institute safe shopping cart driving guides and rules of the grocery road. Like, for example, it is NOT productive to race down the produce aisle of your local supermarket at 40 miles an hour, mowing down everything (and everyone) in your path. Unfortunately, I think we all know what it’s like to be hit head-on by a stray shopping cart. Not cool.
  

• 4 – Shoppers who haggle over coupons with customer service: Seriously, what’s up with the people who will spend literally an hour arguing with supermarket staff over ten cent off coupons? Look, I know, times are tough, jobs are hard to find, and the economy is hibernating, but seriously, is ten cents going to make it or break it for you? Maybe they should look at the long line forming behind them and recognize that people have more important issues with customer service like, “You guys are all out of Heineken!”. Grrrr.

• 3 – Inconsiderate shoppers with more than ten items at the express counter: Dude. Can you, like, not read the prominently displayed sign above the express checkout counter? It clearly says: “Ten Items or Less”. Here, I’ll translate for you. Ten means ten. Not thirty, not twenty, not even fifteen. Shocking, I know. Maybe you should think about the people waiting in line behind you to checkout quickly while you’re taking your sweet time because you can’t (or choose not to) count. Get a life. Like, now. Thanks.

• 2 – One word – Children. Don’t bring kids shopping with you: This one is self-explanatory. I hope. Okay, just to be on the safe side, I’ll spell it out for ya. Don’t bring your kids to the supermarket with you! Yes, I know they’re sweet and the love of your life, but no one, I repeat, no one wants to have navigate the grocery aisles while weaving around screaming four year olds screeching for gummi bears or ducking when your toddler decides to fling fresh roast beef across the store. True story. Just leave em at home with the Teletubbies. Trust me.

• 1 – People who leave full shopping carts right in the middle of the grocery aisles: We’ve all gone through this harrowing experience, and honestly, it’s time to end it. You. Yes, you. Be a considerate human being (not a familiar term, I know. Google it.) and move that shopping cart laden with mashed bananas and constipation medication to the side of the aisle. Really, it’s not that difficult, I promise. Realize that your inconsiderate behavior single-handedly creates chaos in what should be a peaceful shopping experience.

I know I certainly haven’t covered all the possible annoyances that we encounter in our daily grocery shopping, so please, my esteemed readers, do feel free to add your own. As sarcastic as I might be, I really do love to hear your thoughts. And don’t forget – Jerklogic is now accepting submissions, so rant away!

Tags: Annoying people, Annoying shoppers, Etiquette, Irritating people

I can’t tell you how many times I’m walking down a quiet New York City street, drinking in the character of the city and smoking a cigarette, when some guy walking by locks eyes with me out of the blue and just stares. It’s infuriating! How about at your local supermarket? You’re standing in line at the checkout counter, and the eyes of the guy in front of you slowly and calculatedly travel over the microwave dinners and deodorant in your basket before finally coming to rest on you. Grrrr. It’s enough to make me go postal on them with the nearest can of Right Guard.

I’ve been sitting in a corner of a quiet little grease joint enjoying my dinner on several occasions when my reverie has been interrupted by some travelling weirdos outside the restaurant window who inexplicably decide to peruse me….and my steak burrito. Are they hungry or what? WTF. Seriously.

Anyone else out there hate being stared at? Do tell me what you all think. I’ll be waiting right here with bated breath, as per usual.

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Irritating people, People who stare, Social, Social Interaction, Staring