5 – Random Friend Requests: Yes, I’m fully aware that in today’s mythical age of technological marvel and wonder, one’s status in society is measured by how many Facebook friends you have. But honestly, does this mean that you really need to go about friending all your friends friends friends? I think not. I can’t think of a day that goes by without getting a friend request from random person in Doobetyville for no reason other than them being afflicted with spastic click-itis. Honestly, people, if you have seven thousand facebook friends, I KNOW you don’t know all of em. Jeesh.

4 – Utterly Pointless Facebook Groups: Yet another mighty annoyance. People, do we really need Facebook groups for ‘I Like Eating Pickles with Cheddar Cheese in My Underwear’? I think not. I don’t know about you, but bonding with other people over ‘We Love Paris Hilton Forever’ just ain’t my particular cup of Facebook tea.

3 – Idiotic Applications: This one needs no introduction. Each morning, as I rise to greet a new glorious day, my Facebook feed screams at me, beckoning me, nay, insisting that I absolutely must check out my dear friend’s pig farm, mafia group or newly discovered whosawhatsimacallit. I hate to break it to you, Facebookers, but I truly don’t care that you’ve just discovered gold or held up three banks or crowned the new Don of New York City.

2 – Like? Dislike!: Okay, so we’re all familiar with Facebook’s nauseously cheerful ‘Like’ feature. The ability to like all your friends’ drunken photos, random wall postings and such is just to tempting to pass up. But hey, fair is fair, if I don’t like what you post (a very frequent occurence, I might add), shouldn’t I have the ability to give you a big fat Facebook thumbs down? Mmm hmm.

1 – The Poke: I swear to god and by everything that is spicy, if you poke me one more time….What is it with all the Facebook poking? Jesus, I’m sore already. Facebook seriously needs to give me the option to ‘Kick’ back – For self defense!

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Facebook, Featured, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social, Technology

I’m so completely sick of half-raw fish, suspiciously bright green vegetables, semi-squawking chicken sandwiches and unidentifiable goopy sauces. Anyone else out there with me? I’d love to hear from any, ahem, restaurateurs out there who can give me some perspective. Oh, and don’t leave leftover rib steaks in my inbox. Danke.

Tags: Annoying people, Environment, Etiquette, Food, Humor

• 5 – The Dreaded Red ! – I’m sure most of you are familiar with one of the most annoying features in our email programs; the dastardly red little exclamation points which indicate that the email is of the utmost important, is an excruciating matter of cubicle life and death and absotively, posilutely just cannot wait another second. Yep, I hate it too. And as if that wasn’t horrific enough, how about those annoying coworkers of yours who just have to send it with every freaking email? You’d think replacing the air freshener in the bathroom was a matter of national security (well, I’ll give ya that one, sometimes it is). It’s enough to drive one batty (-er).
  
• 4 – The Miltons – Who remembers Milton from Office Space? Miltons are those quirky annoying coworkers of ours who huddle behind their desks, feverishly protecting their beloved post-it notes and staplers. And if you should be the unfortunate soul who borrows the aforementioned stapler, may god and buddha protect you, because the Miltons will burn the blessed building down to find it (and you) and wreak terrifying office vengeance upon your wretched self. They’re pretty easy to spot as they’re usually the ones who meticulously label each and every one of their office supplies with their name in giant bold letters. Anyone else out there know any Miltons?

• 3 – The Snitch – This one’s an annoying character with particularly turd-like tendencies. These people are under the semi-amusing notion that snitching to their superiors on every little thing will somehow help their career. Um. Newsflash. Wrong. Guess what? The people they’re snitching on hate em, the people they’re snitching to secretly hate em – Even the stolen office post-it notes hate em. No one likes a snitch. Sleep with da cubicle fishes. Fuhgeddaboutit.

• 2 - The Rude Grump – Ah, yes, one of my favorites (gag). These are the highly annoying creatures that walk around with a perpetual frown, never say please or thank you, throw a hissy fit when they run out of cornflakes and just generally thrive on discombobulating everyone around them. I always make sure and ask them two questions: 1 – “…and who peed in your coffee today?”, and 2 – “And why the bloody hell did you drink it?”. Enough said, methinks.

• 1 – The Creep – Unfortunately, we’ve all got to deal with these ninnies, both in our workplace and in our personal lives. These are the guys (or girls) who randomly stare at you and grin for no reason. Slowly. They’ll saunter up behind you at your desk, stealing glances at your computer screen and drawl in that creepy voice of theirs: “Sooooo….you’re on facebook, huh?……Nice.” Makes me wanna fling a stapler in their general direction. THUD. Ah, that feels better.

I’m sure I’ve left some of these funky creepazoids out, so as always, please feel free to add your own questions, comments or catcalls.

Tags: Annoying Coworkers, Annoying people, Etiquette, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social

Now before you get your 80s Ibanez’s in a bunch, I’m fully aware that I’m speaking in general terms – There are exceptions to mindless guitar shredders as with every other rule. Some tasteful shredders that come to mind include Joe Satriani, Steve Vai and Eric Johnson. Hell, even Yngwie Malmsteen has some genuinely beautiful music in between all that guitar wanking.

Who else out there is tired of musical masturbation? Yes, I know that music should be first and foremost for the musician to enjoy, but honestly, with all that technicality…is there any music left?

Tags: Bass, Funny, Guitar shredding, Humor, Loud Music, Music

But you want to eat garlic. It’s healthy. Keeps the blood flowin’, right? First of all, take responsibility for the fact that you’re causing mass garlic hysteria. True story. Accept it. Second, do something about it. Your simplest option would be to stay away from the gagful stuff, but I know you’re not gonna do that – It’s too precious, yes? Well, you’ve still got options, my garlic-infused friends. Eat your garlic, then brush your teeth! Simple, right? If you’re on the go, take one of those mini breath fresheners or a Tic Tac! You’ll save yourself both a load of embarrassment and prevent me from duct taping your lips shut. We all win.

Anyone else out there have horrifying encounters with those of the garlic kind? Do be a dear and share.

Tags: Annoying people, Bad breath, Environment, Etiquette, Garlic breath, Humor, Irritating people, Social

Let’s review, shall we? Pay attention now. *snicker* Ahem. Officially, ADHD symptoms include inattentiveness, the tendency to dream or space out a lot, being easily distracted by outside events that others tend to ignore, procrastination, general disorganization and discombobulation, forgetfulness, fidgeting and squirming, talking excessively (guilty as charged, your honor), and other various assorted goodies. ADHD sounds lovely, non? Actually, it is. Here, ladies and gentleman, is where your re-education begins.

Unfortunately for those of us gifted with the double-edged sword of ADD or ADHD, society and the mammals known as human beings tend to be afraid of and isolate those who are different from the general flock of sheep. Baaaaaah. Anyone who tends to go their own way or attempts to be different and question the norm gets labeled as an outcast. I’m not bitter here, these are just facts – Basic human psychology, folks. It’s because people with ADHD question the very fabric of society people are so comfortably blanketed in, and, well, it scares those who do not. So, conveniently for those not blessed with ADHD, they labeled it as a disorder and proceeded to attempt to sedate and/or stuff pills down the throats of people who don’t know better, in the hopes of making them conform – So they don’t threaten their perfect little world.

Now here’s where your re-education comes in. The facts are, in fact, that ADHD is not a disorder. Far from it. ADHD is so much of a gift, you wish you had it. Oh, sorry, there aren’t any little green pills that will magically give you ADD. Bummer. ADHD-ers are actually brilliant – They’re the heros when going gets tough, highly creative problem solvers, have unlimited energy (for those things that catch their interest), are industrious and ambitious, thrive in areas involving thrill, excitement and risk, rebels (with a cause), and make absolutely great leaders when their gifts are properly utilized.

Don’t believe me? Fine. Skepticm acknowledged. Ever hear of a little guy named Thomas Edison? Yes, yes, he invented the light bulb, genius, and yes, he also had ADHD. How about a quirky little fella called Albert Einstein? Yep, ADHD. You want someone more recent? Try George Lucas, P. Diddy and Bono of U2 – All ADHD and all unarguably quite freakin’ brilliant. It’s about time people both realize and acknowledge the fact that ADHD is not a disorder, but a gift.

This is also a perfect opportunity for those individuals with ADHD to realize that they’re blessed, unlike society would lead them to believe. There’s a fantastic new book out there, written by Garret LoPorto, a fellow ADHD-er, that enlightens the brilliance of the ADHD mind (which makes up less than 10% of the world population, mind you). The DaVinci Method (yes, he had it too) educates the world-at-large on the wonders of ADHD and more importantly, teaches you to harness and make use of the incredible gifts that ADHD has to offer. The DaVinci Method can be gotten here. It’s a fantastic read and highly, highly recommended. And as always, my inattentive readers, I’d love to hear any comments, criticisms or snorts, so please, feel free.

Tags: ADD, ADHD, Davinci method, Education, Humor, Kids, People, Social

• Hansel and Gretel: Charming story, isn’t this? Two little siblings have lost their parents, go for a walk in the woods, meet a blind old witch with a candy house who wants to eat the children for early morning brunch and imprison them in her own house, fattening them up so they can make a good meal for her. What values, precisely, does this instill our children? The only values I can think of are instilling them with an early desire to be the new Hannibal Lecter. Just groovy.

• Goldilocks and The Three Bears: Oh, here’s another classic. A beautiful little blonde girl doesn’t listen to her mommy, runs into the forest and stumbles on a charming house inhabited by three not-so-charming bears. After thoroughly ransacking the bear’s home (medieval breaking-and-entry, anyone?), the three bears return home to find the aforementioned Goldilocks and proceed to chase her, no doubt with every intention of replacing their meal of stolen porridge with a nutritious protein meal consisting of little girl stew. Um, hello, are we trying to give our little ones nightmares? What’s the point here – Listen to your parents or you’ll be eaten by bears? Unbelievable.

• Little Red Riding Hood: Yet another fascinating tale depicting what happens to kids when they try to be good. So, this innocent little girl, dressed in her little red cape, goes into the woods to visit her elderly sick Grandma and even packs her a nutritious lunch. Does her Grandma hug her, kiss her, and tell her what a good girl she’s been? Oh, heavens no. In a typical psychotic fairytale twist, Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandma has been eaten by an evil wolf who’s waiting in her bed, just salivating at the thought of having fresh little-girl-casserole. Yummy. So, I’m guessing the lesson to our little loved ones is, behave and you’ll be eaten? Fantastic.

• Snow White: Ah, yet another beautiful childrens tale of love, lust, beauty and….certain painful death? Snow White is an adorable little princess who’s Mother, the beautiful Queen, dies in childbirth. The kingdom is taken over by an evil Queen who is so obsessed with her own beauty, that she takes it upon herself to hunt poor Snow White down so she remains the most beautiful woman in the land. Several tainted apples, poisoned hairbrushes and weird little seven dwarfs later, the evil queen meets her own demise. I’m completely mystified as to the lesson behind this one. Teaching children the value of plastic surgery at an early age? Or perhaps, destroy anyone more beautiful than you? Please, I’m begging you, enlighten me.

I can site several more psychotic fairytales for the entertainment value of it all, but I think I’ve made my point quite clear. Anyone out there see any value in scaring our kids with these frightful bedtime stories? Doesn’t anyone think these stories are perhaps the remnants of a previous world and should be left as such? As always, I’d love to hear any comments or insights you might have. And don’t forget to use our new submission feature at the top of the page to add your very own complaints and observations! There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. Oy.

Tags: Annoying people, Children, Education, Fairy tales, Humor, Kids

Okay, being the sweetheart that I am (not), I’ll spare you all the excruciating agony and proceed to shut up now. Seriously, folks, does the above sentence sound familiar to you at all? Do you know anyone who can keep talking (sans punctuation) for four years straight about absolutely nothing without stopping to take a single breath? If you’re anything like me, it’s enough to drive one completely insane. I mean, whatever happened to the long lost art of shutting-the-bleep-up, hmmmm?

Whenever I encounter annoying people at the office (yes, yes, shocker, I do work for a living) who just can’t seem to keep their yapper shut on the phone, I’ve been known to actually put the phone down in mid-conversation, walk away, then pick up the phone occasionally and mutter sporadic uh-huhs into the receiver just to see how long they’ll keep on going.

So, who’s with me? Uh, no, you in the green shirt, yes, you, be a kind soul and sit the hell down. Thanks. Now, anyone else? What do you do with someone who just can’t keep quiet (like the distinguished looking gentleman in the photograph having an extended conversation with a broccoli)? Does it irritate you to no end or do you just let it go? As per usual, I’ll be waiting to hear your assorted pearls of wisdom with bated breath.

Tags: Annoying people, Big mouth, Etiquette, Humor, People, People who talk too much