Facebook. Gotta love it. Gotta love to hate it, too. Sure, it puts you in touch with your long lost dearly beloved sister’s boyfriend’s mom’s sister-in-law’s cat’s pet turtle’s estranged brother – Invaluable, I know. But let’s, er, face it. There are just some things about Facebook that we all can’t stand.

5 – Random Friend Requests: Yes, I’m fully aware that in today’s mythical age of technological marvel and wonder, one’s status in society is measured by how many Facebook friends you have. But honestly, does this mean that you really need to go about friending all your friends friends friends? I think not. I can’t think of a day that goes by without getting a friend request from random person in Doobetyville for no reason other than them being afflicted with spastic click-itis. Honestly, people, if you have seven thousand facebook friends, I KNOW you don’t know all of em. Jeesh.

4 – Utterly Pointless Facebook Groups: Yet another mighty annoyance. People, do we really need Facebook groups for ‘I Like Eating Pickles with Cheddar Cheese in My Underwear’? I think not. I don’t know about you, but bonding with other people over ‘We Love Paris Hilton Forever’ just ain’t my particular cup of Facebook tea.

3 – Idiotic Applications: This one needs no introduction. Each morning, as I rise to greet a new glorious day, my Facebook feed screams at me, beckoning me, nay, insisting that I absolutely must check out my dear friend’s pig farm, mafia group or newly discovered whosawhatsimacallit. I hate to break it to you, Facebookers, but I truly don’t care that you’ve just discovered gold or held up three banks or crowned the new Don of New York City.

2 – Like? Dislike!: Okay, so we’re all familiar with Facebook’s nauseously cheerful ‘Like’ feature. The ability to like all your friends’ drunken photos, random wall postings and such is just to tempting to pass up. But hey, fair is fair, if I don’t like what you post (a very frequent occurence, I might add), shouldn’t I have the ability to give you a big fat Facebook thumbs down? Mmm hmm.

1 – The Poke: I swear to god and by everything that is spicy, if you poke me one more time….What is it with all the Facebook poking? Jesus, I’m sore already. Facebook seriously needs to give me the option to ‘Kick’ back – For self defense!

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Facebook, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social, Technology

So you’re sitting comfortably in your bright yellow ’67 Chevy surrounded by well used Coke cans and a Le Big Mac or three, when the psychedelic flashing of the red, yellow and green lights of the traffic signal looming before you interrupts your internal ecstasy. What to do? Stop? Go? Slow? Speed? All-together-simultaneously, perhaps?

Now, see, I fully grasp the intricacies of how mind-numbingly difficult it is to operate the ominous looking pedals located below your steering wheel, and to make matters even more confuddled, you have to deal with remembering what each of those horribly flashing lights mean. It’s all terribly confusing, I completely agree. In the interest of public insanity, I’ve kindheartedly listed the function of each for your reference. Do me a favor, put down the Quarter Pounder with Cheese while you’re reading – I wouldn’t want to strain your multi-tasking molecules. Ready? Er. Go!

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

• Do Not speed up. Duh.

• Do Not slow down.

• Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.

• Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

Tags: Annoying people, Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Irritating people, Littering, Multitasking Drivers

Bad fast food. It’s 10pm, you’re finally heading back home after a treacherous day at the office, and all you want to do is sit back with your favorite Teletubby episodes and grab something delicious for dinner on the way home. With your precious greasy cargo in tow, you plop down on the sofa and gleefully unwrap the neon green plastic wrap.  Your slackjawed attention squarely on the screen in front of you, you barely glance at the slop in your hand. You’re rudely awakened from your reverie, however, when you suddenly discover that your “fresh” roast beef on rye suspiciously tastes like four-week old moldy salmon. Gag.

I know lots of you out there have had similar hellish experiences with fast food or even so-called fresh restaurant cuisine. Honestly, people, I just don’t get it. If someone goes through all the effort to invest in a restaurant, with all the difficulties, effort and planning it takes to open one, why skimp on the single thing that will burn them to the ground? It’s unfathomable. Ever watch Kitchen Nightmares (Gordon Ramsay rocks, dude)? The vast majority of the failing restaurants out there are going under due to their horrific food. What happened to pride? At the very least, what happened to not wanting to single-handedly poison your customers? I mean, purely from a business perspective, if you kill your customer after the very first night, they won’t be able to come back. So much for repeat business.

I’m so completely sick of half-raw fish, suspiciously bright green vegetables, semi-squawking chicken sandwiches and unidentifiable goopy sauces. Anyone else out there with me? I’d love to hear from any, ahem, restaurateurs out there who can give me some perspective. Oh, and don’t leave leftover rib steaks in my inbox. Danke.

Tags: Annoying people, Environment, Etiquette, Food, Humor

Today’s rant is long overdue, people. Most of us in our right minds (present company excluded, of course) don’t look forward to going to work, and the last thing we want to deal with is an onslaught of annoying coworkers.

• 5 – The Dreaded Red ! – I’m sure most of you are familiar with one of the most annoying features in our email programs; the dastardly red little exclamation points which indicate that the email is of the utmost important, is an excruciating matter of cubicle life and death and absotively, posilutely just cannot wait another second. Yep, I hate it too. And as if that wasn’t horrific enough, how about those annoying coworkers of yours who just have to send it with every freaking email? You’d think replacing the air freshener in the bathroom was a matter of national security (well, I’ll give ya that one, sometimes it is). It’s enough to drive one batty (-er).
  
• 4 – The Miltons – Who remembers Milton from Office Space? Miltons are those quirky annoying coworkers of ours who huddle behind their desks, feverishly protecting their beloved post-it notes and staplers. And if you should be the unfortunate soul who borrows the aforementioned stapler, may god and buddha protect you, because the Miltons will burn the blessed building down to find it (and you) and wreak terrifying office vengeance upon your wretched self. They’re pretty easy to spot as they’re usually the ones who meticulously label each and every one of their office supplies with their name in giant bold letters. Anyone else out there know any Miltons?

• 3 – The Snitch – This one’s an annoying character with particularly turd-like tendencies. These people are under the semi-amusing notion that snitching to their superiors on every little thing will somehow help their career. Um. Newsflash. Wrong. Guess what? The people they’re snitching on hate em, the people they’re snitching to secretly hate em – Even the stolen office post-it notes hate em. No one likes a snitch. Sleep with da cubicle fishes. Fuhgeddaboutit.

• 2 - The Rude Grump – Ah, yes, one of my favorites (gag). These are the highly annoying creatures that walk around with a perpetual frown, never say please or thank you, throw a hissy fit when they run out of cornflakes and just generally thrive on discombobulating everyone around them. I always make sure and ask them two questions: 1 – “…and who peed in your coffee today?”, and 2 – “And why the bloody hell did you drink it?”. Enough said, methinks.

• 1 – The Creep – Unfortunately, we’ve all got to deal with these ninnies, both in our workplace and in our personal lives. These are the guys (or girls) who randomly stare at you and grin for no reason. Slowly. They’ll saunter up behind you at your desk, stealing glances at your computer screen and drawl in that creepy voice of theirs: “Sooooo….you’re on facebook, huh?……Nice.” Makes me wanna fling a stapler in their general direction. THUD. Ah, that feels better.

I’m sure I’ve left some of these funky creepazoids out, so as always, please feel free to add your own questions, comments or catcalls.

Tags: Annoying Coworkers, Annoying people, Etiquette, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social

Okay, this one’s for all you garlic addicts out there. Gag. Ahem. Now, in all fairness, I fully understand the health benefits of eating raw garlic. Garlic has been known to have countless health benefits over the years, and honestly, I can’t blame you for that. Well, actually, I can. There is no way to say this eloquently, my friends, so I’ll just go ahead and yell; Garlic breath stinks!

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. You eat garlic but by some miraculous twist of faith, it doesn’t affect your breath, right? Wrong. Incorrect. Do not pass go. Do not collect the freakin’ two hundred dollars. Trust me, just because you can’t smell the garlic on your own breath doesn’t mean everyone else within a 12 square mile radius can’t. They can. They do. They die. And you’re solely responsible.

But you want to eat garlic. It’s healthy. Keeps the blood flowin’, right? First of all, take responsibility for the fact that you’re causing mass garlic hysteria. True story. Accept it. Second, do something about it. Your simplest option would be to stay away from the gagful stuff, but I know you’re not gonna do that – It’s too precious, yes? Well, you’ve still got options, my garlic-infused friends. Eat your garlic, then brush your teeth! Simple, right? If you’re on the go, take one of those mini breath fresheners or a Tic Tac! You’ll save yourself both a load of embarrassment and prevent me from duct taping your lips shut. We all win.

Anyone else out there have horrifying encounters with those of the garlic kind? Do be a dear and share.

Tags: Annoying people, Bad breath, Environment, Etiquette, Garlic breath, Humor, Irritating people, Social

So, my fellow sarcastic anomalies, this is part 3 in my ongoing hysterical rant regarding technology replacing that very special organ lodged within our heads. Technology is slowly but surely taking over the very traits that mark us as human beings. If this isn’t an example of bad technology, I’m not sure what is. Internet acronyms. If your response to that was “Wtf?”, then I’m afraid you’re one of the subjects of this particular rant.

It seems as though one of the things technology has swiftly replaced is our ability to communicate properly (see Man Vs Machine Part 1 and Part 2), and now it seems it has almost successfully reduced the English language into a pile of vowelish rubble. Internet acronyms are widely used to convey emotions and regularly-used social phrases. Sure, it’s innocent enough in concept, but it’s gone way too far. You can’t visit a chat room, text someone, or get an email that doesn’t feature several lols or wtfs. Unfrickinbelievable.

So in my never-ending quest for truth and justice, I endeavored to do something revolutionary. Yes, I wrote an entire paragraph consisting entirely of internet acronyms attempting to see if they can possibly replace our everyday words. Is this what our once-magnificent language has been reduced to? Out of the utter and sheer goodness of my New York heart, I’ve even included punctuation to make it easier to read. Something tells me that won’t help, though.

Acronym: LMFAO! IAC, ICUR IBC. IITYWTMWYKM? JK! BAIK. HHO1/2K! TM, TTBOMK, YSS. SHM! BTW, CSY. DUCWIM?

Translation: Laughing my f*cking ass off! In any case, I see you are inadequate but cute. If I tell you what this means, will you kiss me? Just kidding! Boy, am I confused. Ha ha, only half kidding! Trust me, to the best of my knowledge, you suck severely. Sh*t happens, man! By the way, can’t stop yawning. Do you see what I mean?

This is truly a tragic day, my friends, because this is what our magnificent language has been reduced to. And, yes, these are examples of real-life internet acronyms that are used every day (see here). Anyone else sick of lols replacing the language we once knew and loved? As always, any comments, catcalls and booyas in my general direction are muchly appreciated.

Tags: Annoying people, Education, Etiquette, Internet acronyms, Irritating people, People, Social, Social Interaction, Technology, Texting

So you’re running late to work, stubbed your toe on the way out the door, shook your fist at the hordes of traffic and nearly swallowed your breakfast whole. Not a fun morning – I sympathize. Truly. Which is precisely why the last thing you need in your angst-ridden life is to wait on line for forty-five minutes at an ATM machine.

Cash machines are supposed to make life at the bank easier – They are not supposed to incite homicidal rages at the ATM machine. So, why on god’s green beloved earth do people take so unbelievably long while withdrawing money? We’ve all experienced this, sadly.

You’ve got the guy who withdraws his cash from the machine and then proceeds to painstakingly count his money, bill by bill, until he’s satisfied. First of all, genius, ATM machines don’t make math mistakes. Second, if by some stroke of rotten luck, it shorted you by a few dollars, are you going to knock on the bright green ATM screen and speak to it? Dude. Think. Move over to the side and count your money there. Jeez.

Or how about the spaced-out girl who counts her cash slowly, checks her account number, fills out a deposit form and recounts her cash again before depositing it slowwwwwwly in the aforementioned cash machine while you’re slowly losing your mind. Is it so very difficult for you to prepare your deposit beforehand? I think not.

Anyone else have maddening ATM experiences? As always, I’d love to hear all comments and snorts aimed in my general direction.

Tags: Annoying people, ATM machines, Etiquette, Irritating people, Technology

So, there are some things we take for granted early on in life without bothering to question them. Cookies and milk and teddy bears come to mind – All part of a healthy childhood, right? Well, I ask you, what about fairy tales? Stories of wonder and full of mystical creatures and triumph over evil – What can be wrong about that? Well, let’s take a look at some of these so-called classic fairy tales that we’re raising our beloved children with, shall we?

• Hansel and Gretel: Charming story, isn’t this? Two little siblings have lost their parents, go for a walk in the woods, meet a blind old witch with a candy house who wants to eat the children for early morning brunch and imprison them in her own house, fattening them up so they can make a good meal for her. What values, precisely, does this instill our children? The only values I can think of are instilling them with an early desire to be the new Hannibal Lecter. Just groovy.

• Goldilocks and The Three Bears: Oh, here’s another classic. A beautiful little blonde girl doesn’t listen to her mommy, runs into the forest and stumbles on a charming house inhabited by three not-so-charming bears. After thoroughly ransacking the bear’s home (medieval breaking-and-entry, anyone?), the three bears return home to find the aforementioned Goldilocks and proceed to chase her, no doubt with every intention of replacing their meal of stolen porridge with a nutritious protein meal consisting of little girl stew. Um, hello, are we trying to give our little ones nightmares? What’s the point here – Listen to your parents or you’ll be eaten by bears? Unbelievable.

• Little Red Riding Hood: Yet another fascinating tale depicting what happens to kids when they try to be good. So, this innocent little girl, dressed in her little red cape, goes into the woods to visit her elderly sick Grandma and even packs her a nutritious lunch. Does her Grandma hug her, kiss her, and tell her what a good girl she’s been? Oh, heavens no. In a typical psychotic fairytale twist, Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandma has been eaten by an evil wolf who’s waiting in her bed, just salivating at the thought of having fresh little-girl-casserole. Yummy. So, I’m guessing the lesson to our little loved ones is, behave and you’ll be eaten? Fantastic.

• Snow White: Ah, yet another beautiful childrens tale of love, lust, beauty and….certain painful death? Snow White is an adorable little princess who’s Mother, the beautiful Queen, dies in childbirth. The kingdom is taken over by an evil Queen who is so obsessed with her own beauty, that she takes it upon herself to hunt poor Snow White down so she remains the most beautiful woman in the land. Several tainted apples, poisoned hairbrushes and weird little seven dwarfs later, the evil queen meets her own demise. I’m completely mystified as to the lesson behind this one. Teaching children the value of plastic surgery at an early age? Or perhaps, destroy anyone more beautiful than you? Please, I’m begging you, enlighten me.

I can site several more psychotic fairytales for the entertainment value of it all, but I think I’ve made my point quite clear. Anyone out there see any value in scaring our kids with these frightful bedtime stories? Doesn’t anyone think these stories are perhaps the remnants of a previous world and should be left as such? As always, I’d love to hear any comments or insights you might have. And don’t forget to use our new submission feature at the top of the page to add your very own complaints and observations! There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home. Oy.

Tags: Annoying people, Children, Education, Fairy tales, Humor, Kids

So, people, today’s rant is dedicated to all those fellow shoppers who just can’t seem to stop annoying us. We’ve all seen em. We all know em. You know who you are.

• 5 – People who hit other shoppers (and various other objects) with their shopping carts: So, apparently, supermarkets now need to institute safe shopping cart driving guides and rules of the grocery road. Like, for example, it is NOT productive to race down the produce aisle of your local supermarket at 40 miles an hour, mowing down everything (and everyone) in your path. Unfortunately, I think we all know what it’s like to be hit head-on by a stray shopping cart. Not cool.
  

• 4 – Shoppers who haggle over coupons with customer service: Seriously, what’s up with the people who will spend literally an hour arguing with supermarket staff over ten cent off coupons? Look, I know, times are tough, jobs are hard to find, and the economy is hibernating, but seriously, is ten cents going to make it or break it for you? Maybe they should look at the long line forming behind them and recognize that people have more important issues with customer service like, “You guys are all out of Heineken!”. Grrrr.

• 3 – Inconsiderate shoppers with more than ten items at the express counter: Dude. Can you, like, not read the prominently displayed sign above the express checkout counter? It clearly says: “Ten Items or Less”. Here, I’ll translate for you. Ten means ten. Not thirty, not twenty, not even fifteen. Shocking, I know. Maybe you should think about the people waiting in line behind you to checkout quickly while you’re taking your sweet time because you can’t (or choose not to) count. Get a life. Like, now. Thanks.

• 2 – One word – Children. Don’t bring kids shopping with you: This one is self-explanatory. I hope. Okay, just to be on the safe side, I’ll spell it out for ya. Don’t bring your kids to the supermarket with you! Yes, I know they’re sweet and the love of your life, but no one, I repeat, no one wants to have navigate the grocery aisles while weaving around screaming four year olds screeching for gummi bears or ducking when your toddler decides to fling fresh roast beef across the store. True story. Just leave em at home with the Teletubbies. Trust me.

• 1 – People who leave full shopping carts right in the middle of the grocery aisles: We’ve all gone through this harrowing experience, and honestly, it’s time to end it. You. Yes, you. Be a considerate human being (not a familiar term, I know. Google it.) and move that shopping cart laden with mashed bananas and constipation medication to the side of the aisle. Really, it’s not that difficult, I promise. Realize that your inconsiderate behavior single-handedly creates chaos in what should be a peaceful shopping experience.

I know I certainly haven’t covered all the possible annoyances that we encounter in our daily grocery shopping, so please, my esteemed readers, do feel free to add your own. As sarcastic as I might be, I really do love to hear your thoughts. And don’t forget – Jerklogic is now accepting submissions, so rant away!

Tags: Annoying people, Annoying shoppers, Etiquette, Irritating people

“So, like, I was, like, on the avenue today and there was more traffic than usual, like so much traffic it was, like, annoying me, and I honked at this guy who was in my way, like, I honked twice, and, like, he didn’t even move, but then I found parking, and, like, I was walking up the avenue, and I saw a dress in Macy’s that was, like, so cool, and, you know, I usually like shopping, but it was so busy, and then, like, I got hungry, which is so weird because, like, it was only twelve o’clock, and I never eat lunch until two o’clock, but then my nose, like, started itching which is, like, so weird because, like, my nose never itches and when I scratched it, it felt, like, soooooo good…..”

Okay, being the sweetheart that I am (not), I’ll spare you all the excruciating agony and proceed to shut up now. Seriously, folks, does the above sentence sound familiar to you at all? Do you know anyone who can keep talking (sans punctuation) for four years straight about absolutely nothing without stopping to take a single breath? If you’re anything like me, it’s enough to drive one completely insane. I mean, whatever happened to the long lost art of shutting-the-bleep-up, hmmmm?

Whenever I encounter annoying people at the office (yes, yes, shocker, I do work for a living) who just can’t seem to keep their yapper shut on the phone, I’ve been known to actually put the phone down in mid-conversation, walk away, then pick up the phone occasionally and mutter sporadic uh-huhs into the receiver just to see how long they’ll keep on going.

So, who’s with me? Uh, no, you in the green shirt, yes, you, be a kind soul and sit the hell down. Thanks. Now, anyone else? What do you do with someone who just can’t keep quiet (like the distinguished looking gentleman in the photograph having an extended conversation with a broccoli)? Does it irritate you to no end or do you just let it go? As per usual, I’ll be waiting to hear your assorted pearls of wisdom with bated breath.

Tags: Annoying people, Big mouth, Etiquette, Humor, People, People who talk too much