5 – Random Friend Requests: Yes, I’m fully aware that in today’s mythical age of technological marvel and wonder, one’s status in society is measured by how many Facebook friends you have. But honestly, does this mean that you really need to go about friending all your friends friends friends? I think not. I can’t think of a day that goes by without getting a friend request from random person in Doobetyville for no reason other than them being afflicted with spastic click-itis. Honestly, people, if you have seven thousand facebook friends, I KNOW you don’t know all of em. Jeesh.

4 – Utterly Pointless Facebook Groups: Yet another mighty annoyance. People, do we really need Facebook groups for ‘I Like Eating Pickles with Cheddar Cheese in My Underwear’? I think not. I don’t know about you, but bonding with other people over ‘We Love Paris Hilton Forever’ just ain’t my particular cup of Facebook tea.

3 – Idiotic Applications: This one needs no introduction. Each morning, as I rise to greet a new glorious day, my Facebook feed screams at me, beckoning me, nay, insisting that I absolutely must check out my dear friend’s pig farm, mafia group or newly discovered whosawhatsimacallit. I hate to break it to you, Facebookers, but I truly don’t care that you’ve just discovered gold or held up three banks or crowned the new Don of New York City.

2 – Like? Dislike!: Okay, so we’re all familiar with Facebook’s nauseously cheerful ‘Like’ feature. The ability to like all your friends’ drunken photos, random wall postings and such is just to tempting to pass up. But hey, fair is fair, if I don’t like what you post (a very frequent occurence, I might add), shouldn’t I have the ability to give you a big fat Facebook thumbs down? Mmm hmm.

1 – The Poke: I swear to god and by everything that is spicy, if you poke me one more time….What is it with all the Facebook poking? Jesus, I’m sore already. Facebook seriously needs to give me the option to ‘Kick’ back – For self defense!

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Facebook, Featured, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social, Technology

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

• Do Not speed up. Duh.

• Do Not slow down.

• Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.

• Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

Tags: Annoying people, Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Irritating people, Littering, Multitasking Drivers

It seems as though one of the things technology has swiftly replaced is our ability to communicate properly (see Man Vs Machine Part 1 and Part 2), and now it seems it has almost successfully reduced the English language into a pile of vowelish rubble. Internet acronyms are widely used to convey emotions and regularly-used social phrases. Sure, it’s innocent enough in concept, but it’s gone way too far. You can’t visit a chat room, text someone, or get an email that doesn’t feature several lols or wtfs. Unfrickinbelievable.

So in my never-ending quest for truth and justice, I endeavored to do something revolutionary. Yes, I wrote an entire paragraph consisting entirely of internet acronyms attempting to see if they can possibly replace our everyday words. Is this what our once-magnificent language has been reduced to? Out of the utter and sheer goodness of my New York heart, I’ve even included punctuation to make it easier to read. Something tells me that won’t help, though.

Acronym: LMFAO! IAC, ICUR IBC. IITYWTMWYKM? JK! BAIK. HHO1/2K! TM, TTBOMK, YSS. SHM! BTW, CSY. DUCWIM?

Translation: Laughing my f*cking ass off! In any case, I see you are inadequate but cute. If I tell you what this means, will you kiss me? Just kidding! Boy, am I confused. Ha ha, only half kidding! Trust me, to the best of my knowledge, you suck severely. Sh*t happens, man! By the way, can’t stop yawning. Do you see what I mean?

This is truly a tragic day, my friends, because this is what our magnificent language has been reduced to. And, yes, these are examples of real-life internet acronyms that are used every day (see here). Anyone else sick of lols replacing the language we once knew and loved? As always, any comments, catcalls and booyas in my general direction are muchly appreciated.

Tags: Annoying people, Education, Etiquette, Internet acronyms, Irritating people, People, Social, Social Interaction, Technology, Texting

Cash machines are supposed to make life at the bank easier – They are not supposed to incite homicidal rages at the ATM machine. So, why on god’s green beloved earth do people take so unbelievably long while withdrawing money? We’ve all experienced this, sadly.

You’ve got the guy who withdraws his cash from the machine and then proceeds to painstakingly count his money, bill by bill, until he’s satisfied. First of all, genius, ATM machines don’t make math mistakes. Second, if by some stroke of rotten luck, it shorted you by a few dollars, are you going to knock on the bright green ATM screen and speak to it? Dude. Think. Move over to the side and count your money there. Jeez.

Or how about the spaced-out girl who counts her cash slowly, checks her account number, fills out a deposit form and recounts her cash again before depositing it slowwwwwwly in the aforementioned cash machine while you’re slowly losing your mind. Is it so very difficult for you to prepare your deposit beforehand? I think not.

Anyone else have maddening ATM experiences? As always, I’d love to hear all comments and snorts aimed in my general direction.

Tags: Annoying people, ATM machines, Etiquette, Irritating people, Technology

Technology is awesome and all, but it makes me see bright, fiery red when people replace any social interaction with technology. Dude. Texting is awesome if you’ve got something quick to say, but honestly, how can you not realize that it will never replace in-person interaction or even a phone conversation? God. They’re just empty words. Yes, words have personality and feeling too – But nowhere close to real one-on-one. It seems as though texting, email, Blackberry messenger and Facebook have conveniently made the population at large forget that there’s a real world out there – REAL people, REAL interaction!

I’m the first to admit that technology is awesome and definitely has its uses, but it’s replacing our lives! Remember that scene in Wall-E where all the human beings are upwards of 400 pounds, get rolled around in motorized wheelchairs, are attended to by freaky looking robots and whose vocabulary range borders that of a four-year old? That’s where we’re headed! Look, I’ll shut up now (finally), but do us all (and yourselves) a favor – Leave the cell at home. Go out. Have fun with some real people. Get completely wasted at 5 in the morning and pee on the street corner of a busy street while laughing hysterically….and then tell me that Facebook is more fun. God. Who’s with me?

PS. Yes, I do realize that I’m not making my case any stronger by encouraging people to respond online. Well, smartass, I’m only making an exception here because the last thing I need right now is my poor blackberry ringing off the hook with my disgruntled readers calling me dirty names, questioning the legitimacy of my conception and generally calling me a hypocrite. So, my lovely readers (yes, yes, I do really love you), do what you do best: Comment!

Tags: Email, Etiquette, Facebook, Social, Technology, Texting

…Well, maybe not. All of this has gotten me thinking (if you smell smoke, call the Feds). All of this supposedly remarkable technology is slowly but surely robbing us humans of what’s most valuable to us – Our minds. We can’t remember phone numbers, appointments, holidays or even simple directions any longer without using our trusty phones or doing a quick internet search. Our spelling is going down the tubes, because, hey, Word’s got a built-in spell check, and our handwriting (what’s that?) – well, with email and electronic bill payments, who the hell needs to write anymore? I’m actually rather surprised the ink manufacturers haven’t gone bankrupt, one by one. Here, my friends, is where The Machines begin to get smarter than we are, and that will be a sad, sad day for us all.

So, come on, think about it – I’m the first to admit technology is a beautiful thing, but am I the only one out there who thinks its beginning to get a bit….too wonderful? I’m just waiting with bated breath to know what you all think, and, yes, as always, death threats, booing and little dead fishes in my mailbox are always welcome.

Tags: Blackberry, Email, Geek, Sci Fi, Social Interaction, Texting

Along with the bright blue neon glow underneath the aforementioned Civic, the guy seems to have installed six subwoofers with enough combined power to drown out Yankee Stadium during the World Series. Oh, and they’re turned up to eleven, ala Spinal Tap. Just lovely. Now aside from completely obliterating all hopes of hearing my precious music, said monster loud bass has begun creating a genuine, honest-to-god mini earthquake, shaking windows and small landmarks, causing severe hearing loss, and knocking that sweet eighty-year old woman’s dentures completely loose. And my spleen appears to have completely relocated itself to just under my left knee. What’s up with the crazy noisy music and loud cars, people?

So, my fellow music-lovers, honestly, what gives? There’s no way I can accept that 3000 watts of in-your-face loud bass and noisy music can honestly enhance one’s listening experience in any way, shape or form. Who else is with me on this? What was the most annoying music you’ve ever encountered? Comments, suggestions and snorts are welcomed as always!

Tags: Bass, Bling, Driving, Etiquette, Loud bass, Loud bass songs, Loud cars, Loud Music, Music, Noisy music