Facebook. Gotta love it. Gotta love to hate it, too. Sure, it puts you in touch with your long lost dearly beloved sister’s boyfriend’s mom’s sister-in-law’s cat’s pet turtle’s estranged brother – Invaluable, I know. But let’s, er, face it. There are just some things about Facebook that we all can’t stand.

5 – Random Friend Requests: Yes, I’m fully aware that in today’s mythical age of technological marvel and wonder, one’s status in society is measured by how many Facebook friends you have. But honestly, does this mean that you really need to go about friending all your friends friends friends? I think not. I can’t think of a day that goes by without getting a friend request from random person in Doobetyville for no reason other than them being afflicted with spastic click-itis. Honestly, people, if you have seven thousand facebook friends, I KNOW you don’t know all of em. Jeesh.

4 – Utterly Pointless Facebook Groups: Yet another mighty annoyance. People, do we really need Facebook groups for ‘I Like Eating Pickles with Cheddar Cheese in My Underwear’? I think not. I don’t know about you, but bonding with other people over ‘We Love Paris Hilton Forever’ just ain’t my particular cup of Facebook tea.

3 – Idiotic Applications: This one needs no introduction. Each morning, as I rise to greet a new glorious day, my Facebook feed screams at me, beckoning me, nay, insisting that I absolutely must check out my dear friend’s pig farm, mafia group or newly discovered whosawhatsimacallit. I hate to break it to you, Facebookers, but I truly don’t care that you’ve just discovered gold or held up three banks or crowned the new Don of New York City.

2 – Like? Dislike!: Okay, so we’re all familiar with Facebook’s nauseously cheerful ‘Like’ feature. The ability to like all your friends’ drunken photos, random wall postings and such is just to tempting to pass up. But hey, fair is fair, if I don’t like what you post (a very frequent occurence, I might add), shouldn’t I have the ability to give you a big fat Facebook thumbs down? Mmm hmm.

1 – The Poke: I swear to god and by everything that is spicy, if you poke me one more time….What is it with all the Facebook poking? Jesus, I’m sore already. Facebook seriously needs to give me the option to ‘Kick’ back – For self defense!

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Facebook, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social, Technology

Today’s rant is long overdue, people. Most of us in our right minds (present company excluded, of course) don’t look forward to going to work, and the last thing we want to deal with is an onslaught of annoying coworkers.

• 5 – The Dreaded Red ! – I’m sure most of you are familiar with one of the most annoying features in our email programs; the dastardly red little exclamation points which indicate that the email is of the utmost important, is an excruciating matter of cubicle life and death and absotively, posilutely just cannot wait another second. Yep, I hate it too. And as if that wasn’t horrific enough, how about those annoying coworkers of yours who just have to send it with every freaking email? You’d think replacing the air freshener in the bathroom was a matter of national security (well, I’ll give ya that one, sometimes it is). It’s enough to drive one batty (-er).
  
• 4 – The Miltons – Who remembers Milton from Office Space? Miltons are those quirky annoying coworkers of ours who huddle behind their desks, feverishly protecting their beloved post-it notes and staplers. And if you should be the unfortunate soul who borrows the aforementioned stapler, may god and buddha protect you, because the Miltons will burn the blessed building down to find it (and you) and wreak terrifying office vengeance upon your wretched self. They’re pretty easy to spot as they’re usually the ones who meticulously label each and every one of their office supplies with their name in giant bold letters. Anyone else out there know any Miltons?

• 3 – The Snitch – This one’s an annoying character with particularly turd-like tendencies. These people are under the semi-amusing notion that snitching to their superiors on every little thing will somehow help their career. Um. Newsflash. Wrong. Guess what? The people they’re snitching on hate em, the people they’re snitching to secretly hate em – Even the stolen office post-it notes hate em. No one likes a snitch. Sleep with da cubicle fishes. Fuhgeddaboutit.

• 2 - The Rude Grump – Ah, yes, one of my favorites (gag). These are the highly annoying creatures that walk around with a perpetual frown, never say please or thank you, throw a hissy fit when they run out of cornflakes and just generally thrive on discombobulating everyone around them. I always make sure and ask them two questions: 1 – “…and who peed in your coffee today?”, and 2 – “And why the bloody hell did you drink it?”. Enough said, methinks.

• 1 – The Creep – Unfortunately, we’ve all got to deal with these ninnies, both in our workplace and in our personal lives. These are the guys (or girls) who randomly stare at you and grin for no reason. Slowly. They’ll saunter up behind you at your desk, stealing glances at your computer screen and drawl in that creepy voice of theirs: “Sooooo….you’re on facebook, huh?……Nice.” Makes me wanna fling a stapler in their general direction. THUD. Ah, that feels better.

I’m sure I’ve left some of these funky creepazoids out, so as always, please feel free to add your own questions, comments or catcalls.

Tags: Annoying Coworkers, Annoying people, Etiquette, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social

Okay, this one’s for all you garlic addicts out there. Gag. Ahem. Now, in all fairness, I fully understand the health benefits of eating raw garlic. Garlic has been known to have countless health benefits over the years, and honestly, I can’t blame you for that. Well, actually, I can. There is no way to say this eloquently, my friends, so I’ll just go ahead and yell; Garlic breath stinks!

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. You eat garlic but by some miraculous twist of faith, it doesn’t affect your breath, right? Wrong. Incorrect. Do not pass go. Do not collect the freakin’ two hundred dollars. Trust me, just because you can’t smell the garlic on your own breath doesn’t mean everyone else within a 12 square mile radius can’t. They can. They do. They die. And you’re solely responsible.

But you want to eat garlic. It’s healthy. Keeps the blood flowin’, right? First of all, take responsibility for the fact that you’re causing mass garlic hysteria. True story. Accept it. Second, do something about it. Your simplest option would be to stay away from the gagful stuff, but I know you’re not gonna do that – It’s too precious, yes? Well, you’ve still got options, my garlic-infused friends. Eat your garlic, then brush your teeth! Simple, right? If you’re on the go, take one of those mini breath fresheners or a Tic Tac! You’ll save yourself both a load of embarrassment and prevent me from duct taping your lips shut. We all win.

Anyone else out there have horrifying encounters with those of the garlic kind? Do be a dear and share.

Tags: Annoying people, Bad breath, Environment, Etiquette, Garlic breath, Humor, Irritating people, Social

So, my fellow sarcastic anomalies, this is part 3 in my ongoing hysterical rant regarding technology replacing that very special organ lodged within our heads. Technology is slowly but surely taking over the very traits that mark us as human beings. If this isn’t an example of bad technology, I’m not sure what is. Internet acronyms. If your response to that was “Wtf?”, then I’m afraid you’re one of the subjects of this particular rant.

It seems as though one of the things technology has swiftly replaced is our ability to communicate properly (see Man Vs Machine Part 1 and Part 2), and now it seems it has almost successfully reduced the English language into a pile of vowelish rubble. Internet acronyms are widely used to convey emotions and regularly-used social phrases. Sure, it’s innocent enough in concept, but it’s gone way too far. You can’t visit a chat room, text someone, or get an email that doesn’t feature several lols or wtfs. Unfrickinbelievable.

So in my never-ending quest for truth and justice, I endeavored to do something revolutionary. Yes, I wrote an entire paragraph consisting entirely of internet acronyms attempting to see if they can possibly replace our everyday words. Is this what our once-magnificent language has been reduced to? Out of the utter and sheer goodness of my New York heart, I’ve even included punctuation to make it easier to read. Something tells me that won’t help, though.

Acronym: LMFAO! IAC, ICUR IBC. IITYWTMWYKM? JK! BAIK. HHO1/2K! TM, TTBOMK, YSS. SHM! BTW, CSY. DUCWIM?

Translation: Laughing my f*cking ass off! In any case, I see you are inadequate but cute. If I tell you what this means, will you kiss me? Just kidding! Boy, am I confused. Ha ha, only half kidding! Trust me, to the best of my knowledge, you suck severely. Sh*t happens, man! By the way, can’t stop yawning. Do you see what I mean?

This is truly a tragic day, my friends, because this is what our magnificent language has been reduced to. And, yes, these are examples of real-life internet acronyms that are used every day (see here). Anyone else sick of lols replacing the language we once knew and loved? As always, any comments, catcalls and booyas in my general direction are muchly appreciated.

Tags: Annoying people, Education, Etiquette, Internet acronyms, Irritating people, People, Social, Social Interaction, Technology, Texting

So, people, today’s rant is dedicated to all those fellow shoppers who just can’t seem to stop annoying us. We’ve all seen em. We all know em. You know who you are.

• 5 – People who hit other shoppers (and various other objects) with their shopping carts: So, apparently, supermarkets now need to institute safe shopping cart driving guides and rules of the grocery road. Like, for example, it is NOT productive to race down the produce aisle of your local supermarket at 40 miles an hour, mowing down everything (and everyone) in your path. Unfortunately, I think we all know what it’s like to be hit head-on by a stray shopping cart. Not cool.
  

• 4 – Shoppers who haggle over coupons with customer service: Seriously, what’s up with the people who will spend literally an hour arguing with supermarket staff over ten cent off coupons? Look, I know, times are tough, jobs are hard to find, and the economy is hibernating, but seriously, is ten cents going to make it or break it for you? Maybe they should look at the long line forming behind them and recognize that people have more important issues with customer service like, “You guys are all out of Heineken!”. Grrrr.

• 3 – Inconsiderate shoppers with more than ten items at the express counter: Dude. Can you, like, not read the prominently displayed sign above the express checkout counter? It clearly says: “Ten Items or Less”. Here, I’ll translate for you. Ten means ten. Not thirty, not twenty, not even fifteen. Shocking, I know. Maybe you should think about the people waiting in line behind you to checkout quickly while you’re taking your sweet time because you can’t (or choose not to) count. Get a life. Like, now. Thanks.

• 2 – One word – Children. Don’t bring kids shopping with you: This one is self-explanatory. I hope. Okay, just to be on the safe side, I’ll spell it out for ya. Don’t bring your kids to the supermarket with you! Yes, I know they’re sweet and the love of your life, but no one, I repeat, no one wants to have navigate the grocery aisles while weaving around screaming four year olds screeching for gummi bears or ducking when your toddler decides to fling fresh roast beef across the store. True story. Just leave em at home with the Teletubbies. Trust me.

• 1 – People who leave full shopping carts right in the middle of the grocery aisles: We’ve all gone through this harrowing experience, and honestly, it’s time to end it. You. Yes, you. Be a considerate human being (not a familiar term, I know. Google it.) and move that shopping cart laden with mashed bananas and constipation medication to the side of the aisle. Really, it’s not that difficult, I promise. Realize that your inconsiderate behavior single-handedly creates chaos in what should be a peaceful shopping experience.

I know I certainly haven’t covered all the possible annoyances that we encounter in our daily grocery shopping, so please, my esteemed readers, do feel free to add your own. As sarcastic as I might be, I really do love to hear your thoughts. And don’t forget – Jerklogic is now accepting submissions, so rant away!

Tags: Annoying people, Annoying shoppers, Etiquette, Irritating people

“So, like, I was, like, on the avenue today and there was more traffic than usual, like so much traffic it was, like, annoying me, and I honked at this guy who was in my way, like, I honked twice, and, like, he didn’t even move, but then I found parking, and, like, I was walking up the avenue, and I saw a dress in Macy’s that was, like, so cool, and, you know, I usually like shopping, but it was so busy, and then, like, I got hungry, which is so weird because, like, it was only twelve o’clock, and I never eat lunch until two o’clock, but then my nose, like, started itching which is, like, so weird because, like, my nose never itches and when I scratched it, it felt, like, soooooo good…..”

Okay, being the sweetheart that I am (not), I’ll spare you all the excruciating agony and proceed to shut up now. Seriously, folks, does the above sentence sound familiar to you at all? Do you know anyone who can keep talking (sans punctuation) for four years straight about absolutely nothing without stopping to take a single breath? If you’re anything like me, it’s enough to drive one completely insane. I mean, whatever happened to the long lost art of shutting-the-bleep-up, hmmmm?

Whenever I encounter annoying people at the office (yes, yes, shocker, I do work for a living) who just can’t seem to keep their yapper shut on the phone, I’ve been known to actually put the phone down in mid-conversation, walk away, then pick up the phone occasionally and mutter sporadic uh-huhs into the receiver just to see how long they’ll keep on going.

So, who’s with me? Uh, no, you in the green shirt, yes, you, be a kind soul and sit the hell down. Thanks. Now, anyone else? What do you do with someone who just can’t keep quiet (like the distinguished looking gentleman in the photograph having an extended conversation with a broccoli)? Does it irritate you to no end or do you just let it go? As per usual, I’ll be waiting to hear your assorted pearls of wisdom with bated breath.

Tags: Annoying people, Big mouth, Etiquette, Humor, People, People who talk too much

You lookin’ at me? You lookin’ at me?! Yes, yes, I know, that’s not the quite the phrase that DeNiro used in Taxi. But hell, I feel like using that all the time. Ever get the feeling that people are staring or just obviously looking at you? Well, you’re not quite nuts in the head (well, perhaps you are, but that’s entirely besides the point).

I can’t tell you how many times I’m walking down a quiet New York City street, drinking in the character of the city and smoking a cigarette, when some guy walking by locks eyes with me out of the blue and just stares. It’s infuriating! How about at your local supermarket? You’re standing in line at the checkout counter, and the eyes of the guy in front of you slowly and calculatedly travel over the microwave dinners and deodorant in your basket before finally coming to rest on you. Grrrr. It’s enough to make me go postal on them with the nearest can of Right Guard.

I’ve been sitting in a corner of a quiet little grease joint enjoying my dinner on several occasions when my reverie has been interrupted by some travelling weirdos outside the restaurant window who inexplicably decide to peruse me….and my steak burrito. Are they hungry or what? WTF. Seriously.

Anyone else out there hate being stared at? Do tell me what you all think. I’ll be waiting right here with bated breath, as per usual.

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Irritating people, People who stare, Social, Social Interaction, Staring

Okay, I’m in a bad mood so forgive me if I bite your head off here without bothering to chew. That disclaimer aside, what in the name of all that is holy has happened to society? This has frustrated me before, my friends, but we are being replaced my machines. And no, I don’t believe in Nostrodamus, the impending apocalypse, or suicidal Oompa Loompas.

Technology is awesome and all, but it makes me see bright, fiery red when people replace any social interaction with technology. Dude. Texting is awesome if you’ve got something quick to say, but honestly, how can you not realize that it will never replace in-person interaction or even a phone conversation? God. They’re just empty words. Yes, words have personality and feeling too – But nowhere close to real one-on-one. It seems as though texting, email, Blackberry messenger and Facebook have conveniently made the population at large forget that there’s a real world out there – REAL people, REAL interaction!

I’m the first to admit that technology is awesome and definitely has its uses, but it’s replacing our lives! Remember that scene in Wall-E where all the human beings are upwards of 400 pounds, get rolled around in motorized wheelchairs, are attended to by freaky looking robots and whose vocabulary range borders that of a four-year old? That’s where we’re headed! Look, I’ll shut up now (finally), but do us all (and yourselves) a favor – Leave the cell at home. Go out. Have fun with some real people. Get completely wasted at 5 in the morning and pee on the street corner of a busy street while laughing hysterically….and then tell me that Facebook is more fun. God. Who’s with me?

PS. Yes, I do realize that I’m not making my case any stronger by encouraging people to respond online. Well, smartass, I’m only making an exception here because the last thing I need right now is my poor blackberry ringing off the hook with my disgruntled readers calling me dirty names, questioning the legitimacy of my conception and generally calling me a hypocrite. So, my lovely readers (yes, yes, I do really love you), do what you do best: Comment!

Tags: Email, Etiquette, Facebook, Social, Technology, Texting

So, it’s no secret that I’m madly in love with New York. Yes, in all its dirty, quirky, rude, rat-infested, cabbie-driven wonder. Just something about the character oozing out of every pore of our beloved city that nowhere else can match. Yeah, even Canada. But even with my undying love for fellow New Yorkers with attitudes, there’s just one thing (okay, okay, maybe a bit more than just one thing) that brings out the Hell’s Kitchen Dr. Jekyll in me….

What’s that, you ask? Ah, well, I’m glad you asked. So, I’m walking down one of our local streets, minding my own business (or attempting to, anyway – really), marveling at the latest work of one of our resident graffiti artists when I suddenly find myself dodging a stream of, yes, urine. Ah, public urination / taking a piss in public – Gotta love it. The aforementioned lethal yellow liquid of death, flies through the street, narrowly missing your beloved author and threatening to incite a local public riot in the streets as people clamber over each other to avoid its deadly stench. After my heart started beating again, I traced the unmentionable stream to its owner – the man urinating was anwhite-haired old thing with a grin on his face, clearly enjoying the havoc he single handedly created.

Fine, fine. Enough with the drama. So, as per usual, I turn to you, my enlightened readers, for guidance. Has anybody out there been traumatized by someone urinating in public? Honestly, folks, how much effort does it take to walk around the corner, lift your hind leg up, and pee on a fire hydrant or a tree (sorry, tree-lovers)? Hell, you can even walk into a McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts where they offer such luxury amenities as toilets and sinks! I’m sorry, but there’s really no reason for public pissing these days.

I’d love to hear what you all think, so, please, send all grimaces, grunts, extended middle fingers and comments my way! Oh, and, to whoever left the open can of three-day-old sardines in my mailbox the other day….so not cool. Oh, and don’t piss on my mailbox either, kay? Thanks.

Tags: Environment, Etiquette, Homeless, Public pissing, Public urination, Urinating in public

Alright, you got me, I admit it. I’m a total geek. I make sweet, sweet love to my Blackberry Curve on a regular basis, all my music is in MP3 format, and, yes, Google is my friend (with benefits). Gotta love technology, right? I mean, gone our the days where we actually had to remember phone numbers (hell, I’ll be damned if I even remember my own), a limitless music library is just a click away and most of us pay our bills (gag) without using a single shred of paper. Sounds completely awesome, doesn’t it? A sci-fi world come to life – Ahhhh….

…Well, maybe not. All of this has gotten me thinking (if you smell smoke, call the Feds). All of this supposedly remarkable technology is slowly but surely robbing us humans of what’s most valuable to us – Our minds. We can’t remember phone numbers, appointments, holidays or even simple directions any longer without using our trusty phones or doing a quick internet search. Our spelling is going down the tubes, because, hey, Word’s got a built-in spell check, and our handwriting (what’s that?) – well, with email and electronic bill payments, who the hell needs to write anymore? I’m actually rather surprised the ink manufacturers haven’t gone bankrupt, one by one. Here, my friends, is where The Machines begin to get smarter than we are, and that will be a sad, sad day for us all.

So, come on, think about it – I’m the first to admit technology is a beautiful thing, but am I the only one out there who thinks its beginning to get a bit….too wonderful? I’m just waiting with bated breath to know what you all think, and, yes, as always, death threats, booing and little dead fishes in my mailbox are always welcome.

Tags: Blackberry, Email, Geek, Sci Fi, Social Interaction, Texting