Jerklogic » Food http://jerklogic.com Thu, 18 Aug 2011 00:15:49 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.1.4 Traffic Light Etiquette For The Hopelessly Clueless http://jerklogic.com/traffic-light-etiquette-for-the-hopelessly-clueless/ http://jerklogic.com/traffic-light-etiquette-for-the-hopelessly-clueless/#comments Mon, 01 Feb 2010 19:31:11 +0000 JD http://jerklogic.com/?p=337 So you’re sitting comfortably in your bright yellow ’67 Chevy surrounded by well used Coke cans and a Le Big Mac or three, when the psychedelic flashing of the red, yellow and green lights of the traffic signal looming before you interrupts your internal ecstasy. What to do? Stop? Go? Slow? Speed? All-together-simultaneously, perhaps?

Now, see, I fully grasp the intricacies of how mind-numbingly difficult it is to operate the ominous looking pedals located below your steering wheel, and to make matters even more confuddled, you have to deal with remembering what each of those horribly flashing lights mean. It’s all terribly confusing, I completely agree. In the interest of public insanity, I’ve kindheartedly listed the function of each for your reference. Do me a favor, put down the Quarter Pounder with Cheese while you’re reading – I wouldn’t want to strain your multi-tasking molecules. Ready? Er. Go!

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

  • Do Not speed up. Duh.
  • Do Not slow down.
  • Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.
  • Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

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]]> http://jerklogic.com/traffic-light-etiquette-for-the-hopelessly-clueless/feed/ 3 Freaky Fast Food http://jerklogic.com/freaky-fast-food/ http://jerklogic.com/freaky-fast-food/#comments Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:04:52 +0000 JD http://jerklogic.com/?p=313 Bad fast food. It’s 10pm, you’re finally heading back home after a treacherous day at the office, and all you want to do is sit back with your favorite Teletubby episodes and grab something delicious for dinner on the way home. With your precious greasy cargo in tow, you plop down on the sofa and gleefully unwrap the neon green plastic wrap.  Your slackjawed attention squarely on the screen in front of you, you barely glance at the slop in your hand. You’re rudely awakened from your reverie, however, when you suddenly discover that your “fresh” roast beef on rye suspiciously tastes like four-week old moldy salmon. Gag.

I know lots of you out there have had similar hellish experiences with fast food or even so-called fresh restaurant cuisine. Honestly, people, I just don’t get it. If someone goes through all the effort to invest in a restaurant, with all the difficulties, effort and planning it takes to open one, why skimp on the single thing that will burn them to the ground? It’s unfathomable. Ever watch Kitchen Nightmares (Gordon Ramsay rocks, dude)? The vast majority of the failing restaurants out there are going under due to their horrific food. What happened to pride? At the very least, what happened to not wanting to single-handedly poison your customers? I mean, purely from a business perspective, if you kill your customer after the very first night, they won’t be able to come back. So much for repeat business.

I’m so completely sick of half-raw fish, suspiciously bright green vegetables, semi-squawking chicken sandwiches and unidentifiable goopy sauces. Anyone else out there with me? I’d love to hear from any, ahem, restaurateurs out there who can give me some perspective. Oh, and don’t leave leftover rib steaks in my inbox. Danke.

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