Jerklogic » Environment

Traffic Light Etiquette For The Hopelessly Clueless

JD — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 19:31:11 +0000

So you’re sitting comfortably in your bright yellow ’67 Chevy surrounded by well used Coke cans and a Le Big Mac or three, when the psychedelic flashing of the red, yellow and green lights of the traffic signal looming before you interrupts your internal ecstasy. What to do? Stop? Go? Slow? Speed? All-together-simultaneously, perhaps?

Now, see, I fully grasp the intricacies of how mind-numbingly difficult it is to operate the ominous looking pedals located below your steering wheel, and to make matters even more confuddled, you have to deal with remembering what each of those horribly flashing lights mean. It’s all terribly confusing, I completely agree. In the interest of public insanity, I’ve kindheartedly listed the function of each for your reference. Do me a favor, put down the Quarter Pounder with Cheese while you’re reading – I wouldn’t want to strain your multi-tasking molecules. Ready? Er. Go!

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

Do Not speed up. Duh.

Do Not slow down.

Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.

Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

Tags: Annoying people, Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Irritating people, Littering, Multitasking Drivers

Haiti Earthquake Scammers

JD — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 20:06:15 +0000

What speaks more of the pure evil of humanity than the shriveled cowards who exploit those suffering and dying in the wake of the Haiti earthquake? It’s unspeakable. Think about it. There are people out there who are knowingly and willingly taking potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars that could be saving lives for their own twisted uses. Is it any better than pulling the trigger themselves? I think not. Haiti scammers, you disgust me.

For all those out there with a heart and are looking for legitimate charities to help Haiti in its time of need, I applaud you. Imagine your own brothers, sisters, children and parents suffering beyond anything you’ve ever seen, and open both your hearts and your pockets. However, please be careful when donating to so-called Haiti charity organizations. Donate only to organizations you recognize or to those who have been verified as legitimate. Here is a partial listing of real Haiti earthquake fund organizations:

Yele Haiti: Text YELE to 501501. 5 Dollars will go to Haiti earthquake relief. Be aware that some have raised doubt about this organization’s accounting practices, but it is by and large considered trustworthy.

Red Cross: The US State Department’s website recommends texting HAITI to 90999. $10 will be charged to your cellphone bill and will help the Red Cross with Haiti relief efforts. If you don’t feel comfortable texting, you can call 1-800-REDCROSS or donate online at www.redcross.org.

CARE Can be reached at 1-800-521-CARE or www.care.org.

Mercy Corp: 888-256-1900.

You can donate through UNICEF to the children of Haiti at 1-800 for Kids or www.unicefUSA.org.

Give of yourself as you were giving to yourself.

Tags: Environment, Etiquette, Haiti legitimate charities, Haiti Scammers, People

Freaky Fast Food

JD — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:04:52 +0000

Bad fast food. It’s 10pm, you’re finally heading back home after a treacherous day at the office, and all you want to do is sit back with your favorite Teletubby episodes and grab something delicious for dinner on the way home. With your precious greasy cargo in tow, you plop down on the sofa and gleefully unwrap the neon green plastic wrap. Your slackjawed attention squarely on the screen in front of you, you barely glance at the slop in your hand. You’re rudely awakened from your reverie, however, when you suddenly discover that your “fresh” roast beef on rye suspiciously tastes like four-week old moldy salmon. Gag.

I know lots of you out there have had similar hellish experiences with fast food or even so-called fresh restaurant cuisine. Honestly, people, I just don’t get it. If someone goes through all the effort to invest in a restaurant, with all the difficulties, effort and planning it takes to open one, why skimp on the single thing that will burn them to the ground? It’s unfathomable. Ever watch Kitchen Nightmares (Gordon Ramsay rocks, dude)? The vast majority of the failing restaurants out there are going under due to their horrific food. What happened to pride? At the very least, what happened to not wanting to single-handedly poison your customers? I mean, purely from a business perspective, if you kill your customer after the very first night, they won’t be able to come back. So much for repeat business.

I’m so completely sick of half-raw fish, suspiciously bright green vegetables, semi-squawking chicken sandwiches and unidentifiable goopy sauces. Anyone else out there with me? I’d love to hear from any, ahem, restaurateurs out there who can give me some perspective. Oh, and don’t leave leftover rib steaks in my inbox. Danke.

Tags: Annoying people, Environment, Etiquette, Food, Humor

Garlic Breath: Hazardous to Our Health

JD — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:45:43 +0000

Okay, this one’s for all you garlic addicts out there. Gag. Ahem. Now, in all fairness, I fully understand the health benefits of eating raw garlic. Garlic has been known to have countless health benefits over the years, and honestly, I can’t blame you for that. Well, actually, I can. There is no way to say this eloquently, my friends, so I’ll just go ahead and yell; Garlic breath stinks!

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. You eat garlic but by some miraculous twist of faith, it doesn’t affect your breath, right? Wrong. Incorrect. Do not pass go. Do not collect the freakin’ two hundred dollars. Trust me, just because you can’t smell the garlic on your own breath doesn’t mean everyone else within a 12 square mile radius can’t. They can. They do. They die. And you’re solely responsible.

But you want to eat garlic. It’s healthy. Keeps the blood flowin’, right? First of all, take responsibility for the fact that you’re causing mass garlic hysteria. True story. Accept it. Second, do something about it. Your simplest option would be to stay away from the gagful stuff, but I know you’re not gonna do that – It’s too precious, yes? Well, you’ve still got options, my garlic-infused friends. Eat your garlic, then brush your teeth! Simple, right? If you’re on the go, take one of those mini breath fresheners or a Tic Tac! You’ll save yourself both a load of embarrassment and prevent me from duct taping your lips shut. We all win.

Anyone else out there have horrifying encounters with those of the garlic kind? Do be a dear and share.

Tags: Annoying people, Bad breath, Environment, Etiquette, Garlic breath, Humor, Irritating people, Social

Litterbugs, Beware!

JD — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:35:53 +0000

In case you haven’t been able to tell by my never-ending flow of edgy sarcasm, I’m from New York City. Yep, the oh-so-glamorous capital of the world. Glitz, glamour….and grime. It seems as though our illustrious city envied throughout the world has been reduced to streets full of Snickers bar wrappers, discarded condoms and thoroughly used Kleenex.

Here’s the thing – The city budget thankfully values the importance of garbage disposal and our dedicated sanitation people thoughtfully place big red trash cans just about everywhere you turn – Can’t miss em. So, why, I ask, why is it so difficult to walk a whole ten feet away (gasp) and place your trash where it belongs? Doesn’t wading ankle-deep through mounds of coke cans disturb you in the least?

Litterbugs, beware! Next time I see one of you people casually dropping the remnants of your chili dog on the sidewalk, I swear to god I’m going to….Ahem. Well. You get my point. As always, comments, critiscm, and do-gooder cat calls are welcome.

Tags: Etiquette, Garbage, Littering, Trash

Crap! Curb your Dog!

JD — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 15:28:44 +0000

So you’re wearing your brand new 200 dollar Hugo Boss shoes for the very first time – It feels like you’re walking on clouds and you’re flying high. Everything is splendid. Until…squish! ”What the hell was that? That sure as hell didn’t feel like clouds to me!”. So, you look down, and your worst nightmares are confirmed – You’ve just stepped in the largest pile of dog dung ever known to man and your beautiful shoes are, alas, no more.

I know I’m not the only one who has had this unspeakably hellish experience, so I ask you, is it really so very difficult for dog owners to take an extra thirty seconds to clean up after their beloved pets? Is it too much to ask for a little common decency and respect for one’s fellow man (or woman)? We’ve all seen the signs around our cities warning people of fines for not curbing their dogs – Shouldn’t these fines actually be enforced?

So, once again, I turn to you for guidance, fellow readers. Should we be content with battling dog dung on our city streets or is there something we can do about it?

Tags: Crap, Curb Your Dog, Dogs, Environment, Etiquette, Toxic Waste

Liquid Yellow Streams of Death

JD — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 15:30:45 +0000

So, it’s no secret that I’m madly in love with New York. Yes, in all its dirty, quirky, rude, rat-infested, cabbie-driven wonder. Just something about the character oozing out of every pore of our beloved city that nowhere else can match. Yeah, even Canada. But even with my undying love for fellow New Yorkers with attitudes, there’s just one thing (okay, okay, maybe a bit more than just one thing) that brings out the Hell’s Kitchen Dr. Jekyll in me….

What’s that, you ask? Ah, well, I’m glad you asked. So, I’m walking down one of our local streets, minding my own business (or attempting to, anyway – really), marveling at the latest work of one of our resident graffiti artists when I suddenly find myself dodging a stream of, yes, urine. Ah, public urination / taking a piss in public – Gotta love it. The aforementioned lethal yellow liquid of death, flies through the street, narrowly missing your beloved author and threatening to incite a local public riot in the streets as people clamber over each other to avoid its deadly stench. After my heart started beating again, I traced the unmentionable stream to its owner – the man urinating was anwhite-haired old thing with a grin on his face, clearly enjoying the havoc he single handedly created.

Fine, fine. Enough with the drama. So, as per usual, I turn to you, my enlightened readers, for guidance. Has anybody out there been traumatized by someone urinating in public? Honestly, folks, how much effort does it take to walk around the corner, lift your hind leg up, and pee on a fire hydrant or a tree (sorry, tree-lovers)? Hell, you can even walk into a McDonalds or Dunkin Donuts where they offer such luxury amenities as toilets and sinks! I’m sorry, but there’s really no reason for public pissing these days.

I’d love to hear what you all think, so, please, send all grimaces, grunts, extended middle fingers and comments my way! Oh, and, to whoever left the open can of three-day-old sardines in my mailbox the other day….so not cool. Oh, and don’t piss on my mailbox either, kay? Thanks.

Tags: Environment, Etiquette, Homeless, Public pissing, Public urination, Urinating in public