So you’re sitting comfortably in your bright yellow ’67 Chevy surrounded by well used Coke cans and a Le Big Mac or three, when the psychedelic flashing of the red, yellow and green lights of the traffic signal looming before you interrupts your internal ecstasy. What to do? Stop? Go? Slow? Speed? All-together-simultaneously, perhaps?

Now, see, I fully grasp the intricacies of how mind-numbingly difficult it is to operate the ominous looking pedals located below your steering wheel, and to make matters even more confuddled, you have to deal with remembering what each of those horribly flashing lights mean. It’s all terribly confusing, I completely agree. In the interest of public insanity, I’ve kindheartedly listed the function of each for your reference. Do me a favor, put down the Quarter Pounder with Cheese while you’re reading – I wouldn’t want to strain your multi-tasking molecules. Ready? Er. Go!

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

• Do Not speed up. Duh.

• Do Not slow down.

• Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.

• Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

Tags: Annoying people, Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Irritating people, Littering, Multitasking Drivers

Okay. Here’s another no-brainer, people. Ready? Great. So you’re in a rush to get to work. Or to bring carnations to your long lost lover. Or to bury your dog. Whatever. And, wait, what’s this? That my friend, is an intersection, and alas, you need to turn. Now, given that you have the monumental task of turning the steering wheel in the appropriate direction, it’s understandable that you’d forget all about that mysterious looking lever on the left side of your steering wheel, so being the gentleman I am, I’ll enlighten you…

Seriously, though, all sarcasm aside, don’t you just hate it when the driver in front of you has no turning signal on, then suddenly veers in a completely different direction, apparently oblivious to the havoc he/she/it has created behind them? This is not something extraordinarily difficult – even for those of us less skilled in the art of multi-tasking while driving (link to multitasking driver article) – All it takes is a simple flick of the wrist and just a dash of thoughtfulness for your fellow drivers and their safety. I’ve been seriously considering mass distribution of “Just a flick of the wrist – Signal before you turn.” bumper stickers.

As always, I’d love to hear any and all your suggestions – so please, all comments, hate mail and death threats are encouraged!

Tags: Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Multitasking Drivers, Signaling

Yeah, I admit it – I’m a hopeless music-lover. Without music, I’d be, well, that much insane-er (Grammar Police, welcome to JerkLogic). And listening to my favorite music when I’m pushing 80 miles an hour on the freeway just borders on orgasmic. Well, until the dude in the pimped-out Civic with 36-inch rims and loud bass fills my rearview mirror – Then the fun begins.

Along with the bright blue neon glow underneath the aforementioned Civic, the guy seems to have installed six subwoofers with enough combined power to drown out Yankee Stadium during the World Series. Oh, and they’re turned up to eleven, ala Spinal Tap. Just lovely. Now aside from completely obliterating all hopes of hearing my precious music, said monster loud bass has begun creating a genuine, honest-to-god mini earthquake, shaking windows, small landmarks, and that sweet eighty-year old woman’s dentures completely loose. And my spleen appears to have completely relocated itself to just under my left knee. What’s up with the crazy noisy music and loud cars, people?

So, my fellow music-lovers, honestly, what gives? There’s no way I can accept that 3000 watts of in-your-face loud bass and noisy music can honestly enhance one’s listening experience in any way, shape or form. Who else is with me on this? Comments, suggestions and snorts are welcomed as always!

Tags: Bass, Bling, Driving, Etiquette, Loud bass, Loud bass songs, Loud cars, Loud Music, Music, Noisy music