Facebook. Gotta love it. Gotta love to hate it, too. Sure, it puts you in touch with your long lost dearly beloved sister’s boyfriend’s mom’s sister-in-law’s cat’s pet turtle’s estranged brother – Invaluable, I know. But let’s, er, face it. There are just some things about Facebook that we all can’t stand.

5 – Random Friend Requests: Yes, I’m fully aware that in today’s mythical age of technological marvel and wonder, one’s status in society is measured by how many Facebook friends you have. But honestly, does this mean that you really need to go about friending all your friends friends friends? I think not. I can’t think of a day that goes by without getting a friend request from random person in Doobetyville for no reason other than them being afflicted with spastic click-itis. Honestly, people, if you have seven thousand facebook friends, I KNOW you don’t know all of em. Jeesh.

4 – Utterly Pointless Facebook Groups: Yet another mighty annoyance. People, do we really need Facebook groups for ‘I Like Eating Pickles with Cheddar Cheese in My Underwear’? I think not. I don’t know about you, but bonding with other people over ‘We Love Paris Hilton Forever’ just ain’t my particular cup of Facebook tea.

3 – Idiotic Applications: This one needs no introduction. Each morning, as I rise to greet a new glorious day, my Facebook feed screams at me, beckoning me, nay, insisting that I absolutely must check out my dear friend’s pig farm, mafia group or newly discovered whosawhatsimacallit. I hate to break it to you, Facebookers, but I truly don’t care that you’ve just discovered gold or held up three banks or crowned the new Don of New York City.

2 – Like? Dislike!: Okay, so we’re all familiar with Facebook’s nauseously cheerful ‘Like’ feature. The ability to like all your friends’ drunken photos, random wall postings and such is just to tempting to pass up. But hey, fair is fair, if I don’t like what you post (a very frequent occurence, I might add), shouldn’t I have the ability to give you a big fat Facebook thumbs down? Mmm hmm.

1 – The Poke: I swear to god and by everything that is spicy, if you poke me one more time….What is it with all the Facebook poking? Jesus, I’m sore already. Facebook seriously needs to give me the option to ‘Kick’ back – For self defense!

Tags: Annoying people, Etiquette, Facebook, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social, Technology

Truth. What a funny, sad, ridiculous word. How ironic it is that the word itself has no truth. It’s occurred to me as of late that there is no absolute truth in anything.

Followers of Christianity, Judiasm, Buddhism and Islam all believe their religion to be the absolute truth. I find it difficult to believe that there are seventy-five absolute truths. The sky is blue. Is that true? What is blue, anyway? My blue can be your green, your pleasure can be my pain, another’s sour can be your sweet.

It has further occurred to me that there are those who spend their life in dogged pursuit of truth, searching for some meaning to justify their short existence on this planet. Maybe there is none.

Tags: Musings, Philosophy, Truth

So you’re sitting comfortably in your bright yellow ’67 Chevy surrounded by well used Coke cans and a Le Big Mac or three, when the psychedelic flashing of the red, yellow and green lights of the traffic signal looming before you interrupts your internal ecstasy. What to do? Stop? Go? Slow? Speed? All-together-simultaneously, perhaps?

Now, see, I fully grasp the intricacies of how mind-numbingly difficult it is to operate the ominous looking pedals located below your steering wheel, and to make matters even more confuddled, you have to deal with remembering what each of those horribly flashing lights mean. It’s all terribly confusing, I completely agree. In the interest of public insanity, I’ve kindheartedly listed the function of each for your reference. Do me a favor, put down the Quarter Pounder with Cheese while you’re reading – I wouldn’t want to strain your multi-tasking molecules. Ready? Er. Go!

Red Light: In most civilized societies, this bothersome light is located at the very top of the traffic signal. Don’t strain your neck looking. Okay, just for clarification, here’s a quick tip for the things you should NOT do when you see a red light.

• Do Not speed up. Duh.

• Do Not slow down.

• Do Not flip the bird to your neighbor while lewdly gesturing with the remnants of your White Castle corpse.

• Do not fall asleep at the red light with dill pickles in your mouth.

Very simply, the Red Light means to S-T-O-P. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know. Just keep your 60′s sandal-covered toe mashed on the grease-covered pedal usually located to the left of your steering wheeling and you should be fine. Got it? Spectaculous. Moving on…

Yellow Light: Generally located in the middle. Or, one down from the top light as well as one up from the middle light. Confused? Oops. Again, in the interest of public safety, here’s the proper procedure for yellow lights:

1: Open your window and discard the remnants of your neon green fountain soda, taking care to avoid other drivers, pedestrians, police officers and/or stray poodles.

2: Rest the cheeseburger between your legs for easy access after you’re done concentrating on the monumental task at hand.

3: Here’s the hard part. Take your right foot (know which one that is, right?) OFF the gas pedal and gently, gently, gently slow your car down to a crawl.

See? Now that was’t so bad, was it? You can feel free to rescue the forlorn-looking fast food from between your legs now and commence chompulating.

Green Light: Oh, happy day! Here’s the easiest, most funnest (it is a word – I made it myself) part of this whole ordeal. Green means GO! That does not mean to mash your big toe down on the accelerator, killing your burger and/or passengers in the process. It just simply means to gently rest your foot upon the aforementioned pedal and apply gentle pressure until the appropriate velocity is achieved.

This completes your refresher course on Traffic Signal Etiquette for the Hopelessly Clueless. Congratulations, dude. Have a gnarly day.

Tags: Annoying people, Cars, Driving, Etiquette, Irritating people, Littering, Multitasking Drivers

What speaks more of the pure evil of humanity than the shriveled cowards who exploit those suffering and dying in the wake of the Haiti earthquake? It’s unspeakable. Think about it. There are people out there who are knowingly and willingly taking potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars that could be saving lives for their own twisted uses. Is it any better than pulling the trigger themselves? I think not. Haiti scammers, you disgust me.

For all those out there with a heart and are looking for legitimate charities to help Haiti in its time of need, I applaud you. Imagine your own brothers, sisters, children and parents suffering beyond anything you’ve ever seen, and open both your hearts and your pockets. However, please be careful when donating to so-called Haiti charity organizations. Donate only to organizations you recognize or to those who have been verified as legitimate. Here is a partial listing of real Haiti earthquake fund organizations:

• Yele Haiti: Text YELE to 501501. 5 Dollars will go to Haiti earthquake relief. Be aware that some have raised doubt about this organization’s accounting practices, but it is by and large considered trustworthy.

• Red Cross: The US State Department’s website recommends texting HAITI to 90999. $10 will be charged to your cellphone bill and will help the Red Cross with Haiti relief efforts. If you don’t feel comfortable texting, you can call 1-800-REDCROSS or donate online at www.redcross.org.

• CARE Can be reached at 1-800-521-CARE or www.care.org.

• Mercy Corp: 888-256-1900.

• You can donate through UNICEF to the children of Haiti at 1-800 for Kids or www.unicefUSA.org.

Give of yourself as you were giving to yourself.

Tags: Environment, Etiquette, Haiti legitimate charities, Haiti Scammers, People

Bad fast food. It’s 10pm, you’re finally heading back home after a treacherous day at the office, and all you want to do is sit back with your favorite Teletubby episodes and grab something delicious for dinner on the way home. With your precious greasy cargo in tow, you plop down on the sofa and gleefully unwrap the neon green plastic wrap.  Your slackjawed attention squarely on the screen in front of you, you barely glance at the slop in your hand. You’re rudely awakened from your reverie, however, when you suddenly discover that your “fresh” roast beef on rye suspiciously tastes like four-week old moldy salmon. Gag.

I know lots of you out there have had similar hellish experiences with fast food or even so-called fresh restaurant cuisine. Honestly, people, I just don’t get it. If someone goes through all the effort to invest in a restaurant, with all the difficulties, effort and planning it takes to open one, why skimp on the single thing that will burn them to the ground? It’s unfathomable. Ever watch Kitchen Nightmares (Gordon Ramsay rocks, dude)? The vast majority of the failing restaurants out there are going under due to their horrific food. What happened to pride? At the very least, what happened to not wanting to single-handedly poison your customers? I mean, purely from a business perspective, if you kill your customer after the very first night, they won’t be able to come back. So much for repeat business.

I’m so completely sick of half-raw fish, suspiciously bright green vegetables, semi-squawking chicken sandwiches and unidentifiable goopy sauces. Anyone else out there with me? I’d love to hear from any, ahem, restaurateurs out there who can give me some perspective. Oh, and don’t leave leftover rib steaks in my inbox. Danke.

Tags: Annoying people, Environment, Etiquette, Food, Humor

Today’s rant is long overdue, people. Most of us in our right minds (present company excluded, of course) don’t look forward to going to work, and the last thing we want to deal with is an onslaught of annoying coworkers.

• 5 – The Dreaded Red ! – I’m sure most of you are familiar with one of the most annoying features in our email programs; the dastardly red little exclamation points which indicate that the email is of the utmost important, is an excruciating matter of cubicle life and death and absotively, posilutely just cannot wait another second. Yep, I hate it too. And as if that wasn’t horrific enough, how about those annoying coworkers of yours who just have to send it with every freaking email? You’d think replacing the air freshener in the bathroom was a matter of national security (well, I’ll give ya that one, sometimes it is). It’s enough to drive one batty (-er).
  
• 4 – The Miltons – Who remembers Milton from Office Space? Miltons are those quirky annoying coworkers of ours who huddle behind their desks, feverishly protecting their beloved post-it notes and staplers. And if you should be the unfortunate soul who borrows the aforementioned stapler, may god and buddha protect you, because the Miltons will burn the blessed building down to find it (and you) and wreak terrifying office vengeance upon your wretched self. They’re pretty easy to spot as they’re usually the ones who meticulously label each and every one of their office supplies with their name in giant bold letters. Anyone else out there know any Miltons?

• 3 – The Snitch – This one’s an annoying character with particularly turd-like tendencies. These people are under the semi-amusing notion that snitching to their superiors on every little thing will somehow help their career. Um. Newsflash. Wrong. Guess what? The people they’re snitching on hate em, the people they’re snitching to secretly hate em – Even the stolen office post-it notes hate em. No one likes a snitch. Sleep with da cubicle fishes. Fuhgeddaboutit.

• 2 - The Rude Grump – Ah, yes, one of my favorites (gag). These are the highly annoying creatures that walk around with a perpetual frown, never say please or thank you, throw a hissy fit when they run out of cornflakes and just generally thrive on discombobulating everyone around them. I always make sure and ask them two questions: 1 – “…and who peed in your coffee today?”, and 2 – “And why the bloody hell did you drink it?”. Enough said, methinks.

• 1 – The Creep – Unfortunately, we’ve all got to deal with these ninnies, both in our workplace and in our personal lives. These are the guys (or girls) who randomly stare at you and grin for no reason. Slowly. They’ll saunter up behind you at your desk, stealing glances at your computer screen and drawl in that creepy voice of theirs: “Sooooo….you’re on facebook, huh?……Nice.” Makes me wanna fling a stapler in their general direction. THUD. Ah, that feels better.

I’m sure I’ve left some of these funky creepazoids out, so as always, please feel free to add your own questions, comments or catcalls.

Tags: Annoying Coworkers, Annoying people, Etiquette, Humor, Irritating people, People, Social

Just so we’re all on the same demented page here, I’m an unabashed music lover. Even if I’m not into a particular music genre, I try to keep an open mind. Well, that is, until the guitar shredders ruined everything. I try to understand music that I can hear, but how on Buddha’s green earth am I supposed to even hear music played at a blistering 400 beats per second?

I’ve come to a conclusion as well as coined a brand new genre of music. Shocking, I know. Shred guitar and anything associated with it shall henceforth be referred to as Musical Masturbation. Music played that fast is simply for self-gratification and nothing more. Most people listening to guitar shredders aren’t moved by their music – They simply appreciate the technical skills it takes to play guitar at tremendous speeds. I appreciate it to a certain extent as well, but frankly, technical skill is all it is. Furthermore, most of the people out there who love this sort of music are simply fellow shredders. Go ahead, deny it. I’ll duck as the flaming begins.

Now before you get your 80s Ibanez’s in a bunch, I’m fully aware that I’m speaking in general terms – There are exceptions to mindless guitar shredders as with every other rule. Some tasteful shredders that come to mind include Joe Satriani, Steve Vai and Eric Johnson. Hell, even Yngwie Malmsteen has some genuinely beautiful music in between all that guitar wanking.

Who else out there is tired of musical masturbation? Yes, I know that music should be first and foremost for the musician to enjoy, but honestly, with all that technicality…is there any music left?

Tags: Bass, Funny, Guitar shredding, Humor, Loud Music, Music

Okay, this one’s for all you garlic addicts out there. Gag. Ahem. Now, in all fairness, I fully understand the health benefits of eating raw garlic. Garlic has been known to have countless health benefits over the years, and honestly, I can’t blame you for that. Well, actually, I can. There is no way to say this eloquently, my friends, so I’ll just go ahead and yell; Garlic breath stinks!

Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking. You eat garlic but by some miraculous twist of faith, it doesn’t affect your breath, right? Wrong. Incorrect. Do not pass go. Do not collect the freakin’ two hundred dollars. Trust me, just because you can’t smell the garlic on your own breath doesn’t mean everyone else within a 12 square mile radius can’t. They can. They do. They die. And you’re solely responsible.

But you want to eat garlic. It’s healthy. Keeps the blood flowin’, right? First of all, take responsibility for the fact that you’re causing mass garlic hysteria. True story. Accept it. Second, do something about it. Your simplest option would be to stay away from the gagful stuff, but I know you’re not gonna do that – It’s too precious, yes? Well, you’ve still got options, my garlic-infused friends. Eat your garlic, then brush your teeth! Simple, right? If you’re on the go, take one of those mini breath fresheners or a Tic Tac! You’ll save yourself both a load of embarrassment and prevent me from duct taping your lips shut. We all win.

Anyone else out there have horrifying encounters with those of the garlic kind? Do be a dear and share.

Tags: Annoying people, Bad breath, Environment, Etiquette, Garlic breath, Humor, Irritating people, Social

So, my fellow sarcastic anomalies, this is part 3 in my ongoing hysterical rant regarding technology replacing that very special organ lodged within our heads. Technology is slowly but surely taking over the very traits that mark us as human beings. If this isn’t an example of bad technology, I’m not sure what is. Internet acronyms. If your response to that was “Wtf?”, then I’m afraid you’re one of the subjects of this particular rant.

It seems as though one of the things technology has swiftly replaced is our ability to communicate properly (see Man Vs Machine Part 1 and Part 2), and now it seems it has almost successfully reduced the English language into a pile of vowelish rubble. Internet acronyms are widely used to convey emotions and regularly-used social phrases. Sure, it’s innocent enough in concept, but it’s gone way too far. You can’t visit a chat room, text someone, or get an email that doesn’t feature several lols or wtfs. Unfrickinbelievable.

So in my never-ending quest for truth and justice, I endeavored to do something revolutionary. Yes, I wrote an entire paragraph consisting entirely of internet acronyms attempting to see if they can possibly replace our everyday words. Is this what our once-magnificent language has been reduced to? Out of the utter and sheer goodness of my New York heart, I’ve even included punctuation to make it easier to read. Something tells me that won’t help, though.

Acronym: LMFAO! IAC, ICUR IBC. IITYWTMWYKM? JK! BAIK. HHO1/2K! TM, TTBOMK, YSS. SHM! BTW, CSY. DUCWIM?

Translation: Laughing my f*cking ass off! In any case, I see you are inadequate but cute. If I tell you what this means, will you kiss me? Just kidding! Boy, am I confused. Ha ha, only half kidding! Trust me, to the best of my knowledge, you suck severely. Sh*t happens, man! By the way, can’t stop yawning. Do you see what I mean?

This is truly a tragic day, my friends, because this is what our magnificent language has been reduced to. And, yes, these are examples of real-life internet acronyms that are used every day (see here). Anyone else sick of lols replacing the language we once knew and loved? As always, any comments, catcalls and booyas in my general direction are muchly appreciated.

Tags: Annoying people, Education, Etiquette, Internet acronyms, Irritating people, People, Social, Social Interaction, Technology, Texting

So you’re running late to work, stubbed your toe on the way out the door, shook your fist at the hordes of traffic and nearly swallowed your breakfast whole. Not a fun morning – I sympathize. Truly. Which is precisely why the last thing you need in your angst-ridden life is to wait on line for forty-five minutes at an ATM machine.

Cash machines are supposed to make life at the bank easier – They are not supposed to incite homicidal rages at the ATM machine. So, why on god’s green beloved earth do people take so unbelievably long while withdrawing money? We’ve all experienced this, sadly.

You’ve got the guy who withdraws his cash from the machine and then proceeds to painstakingly count his money, bill by bill, until he’s satisfied. First of all, genius, ATM machines don’t make math mistakes. Second, if by some stroke of rotten luck, it shorted you by a few dollars, are you going to knock on the bright green ATM screen and speak to it? Dude. Think. Move over to the side and count your money there. Jeez.

Or how about the spaced-out girl who counts her cash slowly, checks her account number, fills out a deposit form and recounts her cash again before depositing it slowwwwwwly in the aforementioned cash machine while you’re slowly losing your mind. Is it so very difficult for you to prepare your deposit beforehand? I think not.

Anyone else have maddening ATM experiences? As always, I’d love to hear all comments and snorts aimed in my general direction.

Tags: Annoying people, ATM machines, Etiquette, Irritating people, Technology